💞 Supporting a Sibling After Loss: What I Learned From Deb Strebel’s Story

By Brian D. Smith – Grief 2 Growth

When my daughter Shayna passed away suddenly at the age of 15, everything in my world changed.

But as much as my own grief consumed me, I couldn’t stop thinking about Kayla, who had just finished her freshman year of college. She was home for the summer, full of plans and possibilities. And in an instant, she became an only child.

That realization shattered me.

Shayna’s death devastated our entire family. But in the days and weeks that followed, I found myself struggling with something I hadn’t expected: how to support a sibling after loss.

There are no manuals for grieving parents — and even fewer for grieving siblings. I was doing the best I could, while Kayla had to navigate her own pain and confusion in silence.

So when I sat down with Deb Strebel on the Grief 2 Growth podcast, her story brought that time in our lives rushing back.

🧍‍♀️ When Siblings Become Only Children

Deb was 18 when she lost her younger brother Lee, who was just 15 — the same ages as Kayla and Shayna. That parallel immediately hit home.

Deb described the moment her identity shifted. She had always been a big sister. After Lee’s sudden passing from myocarditis, she was now an only child.

“I went from being a big sister to an only child,” Deb said. “And no one seemed to notice.”

That struck a chord in me.
Had we missed that part of Kayla’s grief?

Siblings aren’t just bystanders to loss. They lose a shared past — and an imagined future. They lose the person who knew all their inside jokes. The person who would have stood beside them at their wedding. The only other person who truly understood what it meant to grow up in their household.

And when that’s gone, a part of them disappears, too.

🤝 Supporting a Sibling After Loss Isn’t Always Obvious

Looking back, I realize how often we assumed Kayla was “doing okay.” She wasn’t acting out. She wasn’t falling apart. She went to therapy, showed up for class, and kept moving forward.

But that doesn’t mean she was healing.

Siblings often feel pressure to be strong — especially when their parents are barely holding it together.

Deb talked about having panic attacks, fear of losing more loved ones, and struggling to trust the world again. She said the trauma didn’t fully hit until years later — and therapy, especially EMDR, helped her process it.

I wonder how much of that Kayla carried silently.

We did our best to support her. But grief doesn’t always look like we expect it to. It can be quiet. It can look like “fine.” It can wear a mask so we don’t worry too much.

And that’s why stories like Deb’s matter — because they remind us to look deeper.

🪙 Turning Grief Into a Legacy

After her brother’s passing, Deb eventually founded Lee Alexander & Co., a memorial jewelry company that turns ashes, hair, or personal mementos into heirloom-quality pieces.

It started when the cheap necklace she bought to hold Lee’s ashes tarnished in a hot tub — and the ashes inside were ruined.

Heartbroken, she decided to create something better. Something lasting.

“I wanted something that was worthy of the person I lost,” she told me.

That moment sparked her purpose: helping others carry love forward in a way that’s personal, meaningful, and permanent.

As I listened to Deb share her process — the intention, the care, the storytelling behind every piece — I couldn’t help but think of all the families like ours. The ones trying to hold on to someone who’s no longer here.

What if we could all have something beautiful to carry them with us?

🧠 What I Wish I’d Said to Kayla

If I could go back, I’d sit with Kayla longer. I’d ask better questions. I’d listen more closely.

I’d tell her:

“You didn’t just lose your sister. You lost your role, your identity, your mirror. And I see you.”

We tried to support her. We got therapy. We created space when she needed it. But still — I wish I had understood more. I wish I had known how complicated sibling grief could be.

Deb’s story reminded me that it’s never too late to acknowledge someone’s pain.
To say: “I see you. I’m still here. And I always will be.”

🌱 Honoring All Forms of Grief

One of the most powerful lessons I took from my conversation with Deb is that grief doesn’t have to end in darkness.

It can lead to purpose.
It can shape us into someone softer, stronger, more intentional.
It can be the beginning of a new way of loving — one that includes remembering, creating, and sharing.

Whether you’re a parent, a sibling, or someone trying to support a loved one through grief, remember this:

Everyone grieves differently. But everyone deserves to be seen in their grief.

🙋‍♂️ Frequently Asked Questions About Supporting a Sibling After Loss

How do you support a sibling after the death of a brother or sister?

Supporting a sibling after loss starts with acknowledging their grief. Siblings are often overlooked in the grieving process. Give them space to talk about their feelings, ask how they’re coping, and validate their pain. Don’t assume they’re “okay” just because they seem strong. Offer emotional support, encourage therapy, and simply be present without trying to fix things.

Why is sibling grief often ignored?

The grief of parents or spouses often overshadows sibling grief. Many people view siblings as “secondary mourners,” but in reality, the sibling bond is usually profound and enduring. When one sibling dies, the survivor loses not just a person, but shared memories, plans, and a sense of identity.

What are signs that a grieving sibling needs more support?

Look for changes in mood, isolation, anxiety, or trouble focusing. Some siblings may act like they’re “fine” to avoid burdening others. Others may withdraw altogether. Unresolved grief can surface as depression or anxiety later on. Therapy, support groups, and open communication are key to helping them heal.

Is therapy helpful for siblings after a loss?

Yes. Therapy — especially grief-specific or trauma-informed approaches like EMDR — can be incredibly helpful. It gives the sibling a safe space to express feelings, process trauma, and find healthy ways to cope. Encouraging therapy early on can prevent long-term emotional struggles.

Can honoring the memory of the deceased help the sibling heal?

Absolutely. Creating rituals, memory books, or even custom memorial items (like jewelry) can help a sibling feel connected to the one they lost. This gives them a way to carry their sibling’s memory forward in a meaningful, healing way.

🔗 Want to Go Deeper?

If you’ve experienced sibling loss in your family — or are supporting someone who has — I highly encourage you to check out Deb’s work and listen to our full conversation.

• ✨ Explore Deb’s jewelry at: leealexanderandco.com
• 📬 Subscribe for more reflections: grieftogrowth.substack.com
• 🎧 Listen to the episode:

💬 Final Thoughts

Supporting a sibling after loss is not about fixing what’s broken.
It’s about recognizing what was lost, and holding space for that pain — day by day, moment by moment.

Sometimes, the best thing we can do is simply say:
“I see you. I haven’t forgotten. And I’m here.”