Day 10- Trying to Process All Of This

Woke up feeling pretty good. Actually made it out of bed without crying- a first. Decided to go for a walk. Gotta get back into the routine. But, when I got downstairs, I started to work on the Tumblr I’m using to document this journey. Did Shayna send this idea to me? Shayna didn’t like to write, but she was a better writer than I am.  She was amazing at writing- like she was at everything. Writing is therapeutic for me. Maybe someday something I write will be worth reading, but if not, that’s OK.

7:45 AM- first cry of the day as I sit at my desk.  I can’t remember what triggered it. It doesn’t take much. I had to get some work done. Went to the basement to pack orders. Just standing there thinking about my beautiful baby girl being gone… here it comes- second cry of the day. The tears could come any time any place.  Two cried before 10 AM

A good friend has called me to meet him for coffee, we change it to smoothies. We meet at Smoothie King. He asks me gentle prompting questions and just lets me vent as we take (an unplanned) 2-3 mile walk. He’s a pastor, but I’m honest with him about my faith, my doubts, my hopes, my fears. All of it. I want to see Shayna again. I need that assurance. I’m concerned for Kayla. She’s vulnerable. An 18 year old shouldn’t have to go through this. I’m worried about Ty. Shayna was the one in the family who not only tolerated her silliness, but loved it and gave it right back. I’m worried about our marriage. We’ll likely suffer from PTSD. Will we be able to keep it together? We can’t make it alone. My friend listens, doesn’t offer a lot of platitudes but encourages me. He uses an analogy that it’s like my heart has been taken out without my permission. I add without anesthesia. But, what comes to me later is it is as if the four of us were sharing one heart and ¼ of it has been ripped away. It leaves a big, gaping raw wound. He says we are doing the right things. He has faith in us, that lifts me up.

The afternoon and evening are pretty good. Family is dwindling down. It’s down to just my brother, his wife and my mother now. The house is becoming more quiet. We need to adjust to the new normal.

Friends who have psychic abilities and knowledge are giving me hope. I share some of this with Kayla.  Maybe this was a mistake? Kayla is processing her own way. A few minutes later she is shaken. She is throwing things. She is angry about the loss of her sister. We hold her, comfort her, give her permission to be angry, to throw things to hit things- just don’t hurt yourself. We agree with her this sucks. It’s not fair. It shouldn’t have happened. We are angry together. We cry together. But, once again, like we do at least once a day, we resolve to come through this together. We resolve we will honor Shayna and continue our family legacy by fighting through this.

I don’t know how much an 18 year old cares about legacy and given that she has such a long life ahead of her I don’t know how much hope it gives her that she will see Shayna at the end.  What I do know that I can wrap her in my arms and tell her she is not alone, she will never be alone. We will overcome this.
The evening was good. Had steaks on the grill. I even watched some golf and a little TV. Still no interest in politics or world news, but sports is coming back to me. But, I woke up at 3:30AM again with the night terrors. Not nightmares. I’m fully awake, but the thoughts of never seeing her again hurt so badly, I moan and whisper prayers and petitions and I wake Ty. I can’t help it. It has to come out. I take an Ativan and sleep another three hours.

It’s two days post celebration now and the reality is settling in. My mind wants to reject it, but slowly it’s becoming more and more real, like a fog that is solidifying.

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