Day 1035- Jealousy

Last week I wrote about Shayna’s graduation day. Since I don’t get to have a high school graduation day, I took the day that Suzanne Giesemann featured Shayna in her keynote as her graduation day.  I know that Shayna is still a big, big force in this world doing more than she could have while in the body. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t miss having her in the body.

Today is Lakota West’s academic awards ceremony.  It’s the day we present the scholarship set up in Shayna’s name to a deserving senior student.  This will be the third presentation.  I attended the first.  I skipped last year.  My niece, Shayna’s twin from another mother, is going to help present the award this year. So, it’s turned into a family affair.  Her mother, my mother, my father, and possibly my brother are all coming for the presentation.  For some reason, they assumed I’d be there.

Here’s the thing. While I accept that Shayna is doing great things, in all honesty and full disclosure, it’s still like a consolation prize.  Awards nights and parent teacher conferences were always like Christmas with the girls. I looked forward to them.  Hearing teachers brag about how smart, considerate, and compassionate our girls were made my day. Shayna’s first and only awards night in that gym, she got all kinds of honors including being named as #16 in her class of about 600.  Shayna was good friends with #15 and told her she was coming after her. Being in the gym the following year thinking about where Shayna would be, what she would be getting was something I really did not look forward to doing again. I’m happy for your kids. But, hey, I’d like my kid here too. So, you just go ahead and celebrate without me.

It’s 7:30 AM.  Between now and this evening I have to make a choice.  Do I go to the ceremony for the family or do I stay here for me?  I’d like to get to the point where there is no jealousy about other kids’ accomplishments but 1,035 days isn’t that point, for me, yet.