It’s been another rough week. People say “finally Friday”, but when you own your own business, and it’s struggling, the 5 o’clock whistle on Friday doesn’t bring any real relief. I usually sleep very well. This week I’ve been waking up around 5 AM ready to go. Let’s try something else. Nothing I try bears any fruit. Every time it seems there is an opportunity either it doesn’t pan out, or the partner I’m supposed to work with goes away. I have a session with my intuition/mediumship tutor today. These people keep telling me happy days are around the corner. The lessons I’m taking say life is supposed to flow. I’m not up for trying to tap into Spirit today. I’m exhausted and frustrated. She reads me and tells me I’m flooded with ideas and running in all directions at once which is spot on accurate. I don’t know which way to go. She tells me that we have to trust the flow, that Spirit will take care of us. We have to trust the process. I assent to all of this. OK. I’ll try. I take this with me through the rest of the day.
Just as I’m calling it a day and trying to unwind, I get an email from my development team. Of course, 4:30 on a Friday and there’s a problem with the integration of our email and our store. The email vendor’s technical support isn’t answering. I’m checking the dashboard trying to get a fix, and I see our numbers for the last month. I try not to look at the numbers. I keep my head down and keep pressing on. The last 30 days haven’t gotten any better despite massive efforts, bringing on new partners, and infusions of cash. This is not what I wanted to be thinking about going into the weekend. They say when one door, another one opens. However, sometimes you’re in the hallway, and all the other doors are still closed. I’m tired of living in the hallway. It’s hell in the hallway. Come on guides. How much more patience do I have to learn? I’ve got to work tomorrow. It’s Saturday and I’ve got company coming in from out of town. I can get in a few hours in the morning though. At least I need to bang out some emails.
Tonight, we’re going out with friends to the big Greek festival. It’s been raining or threatening rain almost all day. It’s a decent drive to get there. I do not want to go. It’s probably going to rain. I know it’s going to rain. Why bother? I’m in a foul mood, the nastiest. I really just want to be alone. I should be alone because I’m not fit to be around people. But, there’s no getting out of this. They all want to go, and we’re traveling to get there. I’ll probably have a panic attack I’m thinking. There will be a big crowd. I’m not driving. I can’t leave when I want. I don’t want to go to the festival. I don’t want to be anywhere. I want to go Home. I am done.
A friend made a very simple post on Facebook. She’s going through a hard time. Many of us are. Her post was simple. “I. Am. So. Fucking. Tired.” I replied with two words. “I understand”. This place is hard, and some of us feel a weariness that cannot be overcome with mere sleep. I’ve heard it said that our souls don’t need to sleep. But, I’ve also heard it said they do need to escape this world. We’d go insane if we couldn’t sleep. That is a medical fact. I think our souls need that time back Home every night.
As we’re making the drive to the festival, the other people in the car are just chatting away. Everything they say irritates me. I reflect on this. I can’t snap at them based on what’s going on in my head. They’re saying the same things they always say, laughing, having a good time, looking forward to a night out. This is all on me. I’m not even in the car. I’m somewhere else, living in the future, under a bridge. I’ve got to snap out of this.
We get to the festival and meet up with the other carload of people. The clouds have broken, the sun is peeking through. The weather is pleasant. I guess the threat of rain has kept people away. It’s a massive festival, but it’s not super crowded. However, because whenever you have eight people going anywhere, we’re over an hour past my normal dinner time and I’m hangry. As we park blocks away to save money, make our way through the crowds to check in, stop to go to the bathroom (Didn’t we just leave home?) I’m trying to be patient. OK. So, now they’ve gone to the bathroom. We’ve hit the ATM. We’ve made the walk. Someone asks “Do you want to look around some or do you want to eat?” I say, as patiently as I can muster. “I’m ready to eat.”
I get a gyro. It’s delicious, stuffed with the most lamb I’ve ever had on a gyro. They sell bottles of wine at the festival. I get a nice dry Greek red. I’ve never had this before. I’m starting to enjoy myself when the conversation turns to the healthcare system in America, and I start to think about what we’re paying for health insurance. And…, in my mind, I’m right back to being homeless living under a bridge. The wine kicks in and I start to relax. We do some Greek dancing, the others get desserts, and the next thing I know we’ve been there for almost four hours and it’s time to go home. I’ve had a great time.
I fall asleep and in my dream, I’m sitting at my desk, like I am right now. It’s dark in my office, like it is right now. It’s overcast, like it is right now. I’ve been pounding away at this keyboard trying to make things work, like I do all day every day. The doorbell rings. Someone I am supposed to meet is here. I don’t want to get up from the computer because I need to get shit done, but I’ve got to answer. It’s someone I haven’t met before. I open the door, and he steps in from the rain. I can’t see him because I’ve been in the dark and my eyes aren’t adjusted to even the little bit of light outside. I’m talking to him, introducing myself, telling him in that in addition to what we’re meeting about, I work on Treasured Locks. I am an entrepreneur with my own business, and it’s really been struggling, and I’m frustrated. Suddenly, I can see him. He’s a big man, at least 6′ 6″. He’s probably about my age. He’s got dreads. He has this huge smile on my face. When I can finally see him, he’s about three or four feet away from me. He takes a giant step, and he’s right up in my personal space. Why is this man I’ve never met so close to me? Then, he wraps me in a huge bear hug making me feel like a small child wrapped in his mother’s arms, and he says “I’m right there with you.”. And I wake up still feeling that hug.
That was the most honest post I’ve ever read. Many of us have these feelings, I think writing them does help alleviate the frustrating thoughts. Perhaps It is other feelings, loss of your beautiful Shayna that are underlying. At least I feel that way, and it resonated with me The hug May be your personal guide? I like that thought. I hope a guide comes to me when I feel this way. Blessings to you and yours today ! JMR
Wow! You really needed that hug. I’m sorry you are having such a hard time. Life can really be hard sometimes. Sending you love and prayers for some much needed peace.?
Brian, I felt a sense of relief after reading your blog. I am going through real hard time and felt lost. As if pain of losing smayan wasn’t adequate enough!!! I guess we are much more resilient than we believe ourselves to be…. I am so happy about the last part- bear hug!!! God bless our journeys ahead…..
Beautiful post and you know I’m right there with you. Yesterday after I listened to Let it Be and realized for the first time since I’ve listened to that Paul McCartney was singing about a visitation he had from his dead mother named “Mary”. My mom’s name was Mary, so I went back and listened again. So appropriate,
“When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be
And when the broken-hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer
Let it be”
Peace to you Brian. And love.
It was only very recently that I heard that about the Mary in the song. I always thought it was the mother of Jesus.