The last couple of days I’ve noticed it’s really fall now. The leaves are changing, the air is getting cooler, the sun is rising a little later every day. Shayna passed just three days into summer. I have survived a season without my Beautiful Light. On Day 1 I would not have thought this possible. I don’t know what I thought would happen, but getting up, getting dressed, eating, all the things we have to do to stay in the body. It’s so much work and it’s really hard work when you’ve lost your motivation.
I was reading a friend’s blog yesterday concerning the purpose of life. This is a question I think we all ask at least once in our lives and some of us many times. For me, I can answer it in a word- family. My life truly began when my girls all came into it and it will end if I should ever be separated from them. I don’t know if that’s the life lesson I was supposed to get this time around, but it’s what I’ve got. Being separated from Shayna at this time has completely thrown me for a loop. I’m still off balance. I’m still trying to figure out what’s next. I’ve realized that my not wanting to go on is really a form of denial. I simply cannot wrap my head around Shayna never being with me again in the flesh. I find at times I still want to think she’s just on an extended stay somewhere, but I know intellectually that stay will not be over as long as I’m trapped in this body, so I want to leave this body. It’s so confusing though because I have to be in this body to be with Ty and Kayla.
Last night I went to bed crying. As I was trying to fall asleep I began thinking about Shayna and it was just more than I could keep in. I had been watching a television show before bed and everything in the show reminded me of her. The main character had health issues that threatened him with sudden death. He was a private pathologist so he was performing an autopsy on a young woman. He spoke of the unfairness of life being taken too soon from young people. That got to me. I was able to get to sleep using meditation techniques. Just before time to get up I had a dream about Shayna. She was a three year old squirmy Shayna sitting on my lap in an auditorium. There was a performance about to start, but the people in front of us were watching her squirm and fidget on my lap and remarking about how cute she was. I suddenly realized that Shayna was dead and my appreciation for having her in this moment rose. As I went to hug her though I woke up. When I woke up, I missed her so much I started crying again. So, I went to sleep crying and woke up crying. It’s not a daily thing anymore. I don’t even try to keep track of the tears. They come when they come. Often it’ll be when I’m driving alone and often for no good reason. When they come I try to imagine Shayna still here close with me and maybe I’m feeling that and that’s why I miss her in those moments.
Meanwhile, the count down continues. I don’t know when I will see her again, but I do know every night when I close my eyes I’ve made it one day closer. And now I’ve made it through a whole season. Bring on winter.