Day 113- Triggers

Triggers are tricky things when you suffer a major loss or trauma.  I’m pretty sure I’m suffering from some level of PTSD.  Anything can set me off. I wrote about coming home a few days ago and Kayla had gone upstairs to bed early, left her dinner out, had the dogs put away and all of the lights off at around 9 o’clock.  Ty raced upstairs where Kayla was in her bedroom. All I could think was that she was dead. Or it could be a song. It could be driving by Taco Bell. It could be driving in the car in silence. It can be a thought that pops into my head when I wake up in the morning. Literally anything.

Yesterday I wrote how a particular TV show had set me off.  The character is a private pathologist, so there were autopsies. He had a life threatening illness that had a high likelihood of sudden death. Shayna didn’t have any such illness that we knew of anyway, but she did die suddenly. The show was about a young girl killed in her 20s.  A friend advised me she tried to avoid triggers the first year(s) after the passing of her daughter.  The thing about these triggers is you never know where they are going to pop up. Some people try to avoid triggers.  Mostly I just lean into them. First of all I can’t know where they’re going to be. Second, I can’t avoid everything.  Third, I feel the sooner I face these things and move through them the better. However, there are certain things I do know I’m not ready for.  Last night the volleyball team honored the girls they have lost (Shayna and Lauren) and they honored Victoria who has not been able to play the last couple of years and is dealign with a life threatening situation. They invited Ty and I to attend.  I knew I couldn’t handle this and there wasn’t good enough reason for me to even try. So, I stayed home.  Generally, I won’t try to avoid situations, but certain ones yeah, I’m going to stay away from those for now and for as long as I need to.