Day 115- Alone

Ty decides to take a day to go see her friend in Lexington and attend the UK football game Thursday night.  I need to make a liquor run to Costco (since they don’t sell liquor in Ohio), so I drove her down.  On the way back I miss a turn getting on to the expressway, so I got to take the scenic route through Georgetown, KY along some back roads.  It’s a beautiful day, so I don’t mind the slight detour. As I’m traveling along though it occurs to me that if I just turn the wheel I can direct the car into the end of one the guard rails and be done with this life.  It would be so easy.  Just a few seconds and I could be stepping out of my body and watch as they try to resuscitate me.  i could attend my funeral and hear what they say about me and then I’d be on to real life.  But wait, I bought this car that is one of the safest on the road. Front crumple zone, smart city braking system, air bags all around.  I probably wouldn’t even die. The damn air bags would probably save me. The smart city braking system won’t even allow this car to drive into a wall.  The last thing I want is to be injured. So, nah.  Scrap that plan.

I’m get back to the house in one piece. I’m supposed to attend a group tonight. Ty’s in the group too.  We have gone twice before. We really enjoy the group and we like the subject matter.  My plan is to go, but at the last minute I just don’t feel up to it.  I really don’t think I’m going to get much out of it tonight. I think “Well, I should go because maybe I can contribute something that will help other people.”  Usually that would be enough to get me to go, but nope.  I’m just not feeling it right now and I don’t have to go. It’s a last minute decision, but I decide to stay home and just watch some TV.  The days are getting shorter, the nights are getting longer.  I hate this time of the year.  It’s 8 o’clock and I’m thinking about bed, but I catch up on a couple of shows and turn in around 10.

The next day I’m doing work for the business, entering the purchase order for our new product, packing orders all of that stuff. I have a lot of time to think and naturally I’m thinking about Shayna. I decide I’m going to finally smudge the house. I’ve been putting it off for months, I don’t know why. i prepare myself and start the ceremony. It’s going fine until I get to Shayna’s room.  I don’t go in there much.  I still feel like I’m violating her space when I go in and she’s not there.  I smudge her room and I just break down crying.  It’s been four months since she died and I miss her even more now than I did then. Oh well, I made it through two more days. I don’t know how many more I have, but I can cross two more off the calendar.

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