Today, another friend checks in on me. She wants to know how I’m doing. Am I taking care of myself? I always say I’m taking care of Ty and taking care of Kayla, but people want to know I’m taking care of myself. She’s also concerned about my relationship with Ty, not because of anything I have said, but because she is familiar with parents losing children and divorce is far too often not far behind that as one or both parents withdraw into themselves, blame themselves or the their spouse and neglect the relationship or strike out in anger and frustration.
Yes, I am taking care of myself, but it’s because I have to be here for others. it’s not because I’m trying to prolong my existence on this plane. People try to tell me that’s unhealthy- that I have to live for myself. I can’t solely live for others. Maybe in the long term that is true. Maybe… But, when you’re in the situation Ty, Kayla and I are in whatever gets you through the day or the night is just fine for motive. There isn’t any motive that’s better or worse than any other. People are trying to convince me a long life here is desirable. Why? We like it here, but do we know what we like? Or, do we like what we know? If Heaven is so wonderful, then why is a long life here the absolute most desirable thing as most of us act like it is? This world is a mixed bag at best. It’s beautiful. So much beauty and pleasure. So much love. But, none of that is permanent. Inevitably, something will go wrong. I am told by my Master not store up treasures on Earth. I am by the Buddha that clinging is the cause of all suffering. We are told to let go of everything. But, we’re flesh and blood and this stuff is appealing. I’ve tried to let go and I think I’ve done a pretty good job of letting go of everything except Ty, Kayla and Shayna. Even my parents- they’re older. They’re supposed to go before me. I expect that phone call any day. My brothers and sister- all over 40 now. Yep. Could happen. But, I confess I was clinging to Ty, Kayla and Shayna. That should have been safe. They all younger than me, in better health and I’m a male. Bad bet. So, now I suffer. Buddha would be saying “Told ya so.”
I tell my friend it’s OK for me to be here to live for others. And as I’ve been contemplating while I am still here (despite having the premonition I was going to die young since I was a teenager), I have been getting the growing sense that the rest of my time is for others. More than one person has told me they have the impression Shayna didn’t live this lifetime for her own soul’s growth, but for others. Kayla and I are convinced that she, Shayna and I have done this many times before. I was listening to a Podcast last night where the guy was describing pre-birth planning- how our Soul creates our personality and sits with our personality, our guides and ascended masters to plan our lives and what our goals are- what are we here to experience or learn? Others in our soul group may come with us solely for our benefit. As we go along the path there are potential exit points where our lives may terminate. Our life here terminates when either the Soul realizes the goal cannot be met and wants to start over or when the goal has been achieved. But, there is also the possibility that the goal can be achieved and we stay here for others. This, to me, confirms what I have been feeling. i think that is the point where I am now.
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