This has been the week from hell, again. Two steps forward and one step back seems the way it goes or maybe it’s 1-1/2 steps forward and one step back. I’ve just completed Joe Dispenza’s book “Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself” and while I knew it wouldn’t be easy, I was fully expecting for life to throw more challenges at me just as I’m trying to incorporate these new habits into my life- being grateful, expecting the best, knowing the Universe is working with me, etc. All of these are major changes from the way I have been programmed. If things were going well, it’d be challenging enough.
I feel like things are opening up. There’s the metaphor, the light at the end of the tunnel. This is more like a bunch of lights, pinpricks, against a dark background. I can see them out there and they might be getting closer. I have many opportunities in the embryonic stage. Some are public, some soon to be announced. Surely, from all of these one or more will emerge as successful. So, meantime, I try to wait patiently, putting my intention out there and trusting that it will be delivered in ways that are surprising to me. This is what Dr. Dispenza teaches. Every time one of these pops up seemingly out of nowhere, I wonder “Will this be the one?”
This week one of the organizations I volunteer for has made a couple of decisions that I disagree with, one I strongly disagree with. This decision has already broken one heart. It will break another. I work with the groups I work with because we’re supposed to be spiritual. We’re supposed to be about healing and forgiveness and grace. We are supposed to know that Earth is a school and that we all make mistakes. But, when you get more than a few people in an organization, and when you get lawyers and money involved, all the spiritual stuff goes right out of the window. For an example, see just about any church. Many years ago I became good friends with a pastor on staff at the Vineyard. When I learned his annual objectives and goals were as rigid as any I had working for IBM, I realized that even most churches are just businesses. So, I shouldn’t be surprised by this decision. I’m not. I’m disappointed.
Finances aren’t getting any better. I’m taking on part-time, entry-level work to close the gap. It’s not what I pictured myself doing at 57 years old. But, I’ll do what it takes. Ego won’t keep me from doing whatever it takes. The work isn’t grueling. I can do it from home. I’m grateful for that. Yet, I’d rather be doing my own thing. And that leads to some of the frustration. People keep telling me I should do my own thing. I should write a book. As a friend said last night “need to put you in the spotlight, not behind the camera.” I love the encouragement. I’m working on making that happen. Right now, those opportunities, those points of light are still distant, they are faint, but they’re out there.
Last night as I closed my eyes, I was exhausted but I could not sleep. I think I got a total of about three hours. Everything that is going wrong kept swirling in my head. I couldn’t make it stop. I went within to meet with my Team. I told them, “Take me now. A stroke would be good. I don’t want to do this anymore”. Their response “This is an opportunity. You wanted to learn. This is your chance to learn. What’s going well for you?” Well, I’ve developed this tool of knowing how to turn within. I’m grateful that I’ve learned how to cope. I was knocked way off center earlier this evening. But, I’m focused now. I’m healthy. I have a warm bed to sleep in. I have enough to make it through tomorrow and many tomorrows. I have friends who care. I have skills. I’ve shown I can easily get work if I really need to. I’m not doing what I want but I’ve landed several jobs in the last couple of months. Baby step. I agreed to stay. They told me to hang in a little longer. It will get better. That reminds me of a dream I had last week. I was with Tywana and Kayla, sitting around a table. Shayna was there in spirit. I could see her. Then, I was lying down. She took her finger, opened an incision in my chest, reached in and touched my heart. She asked me if I was ready to come Home. I looked at Tywana and Kayla and reluctantly said “Not now.” Then, I was awake.
I woke up this morning with not a single circumstance changed. But, as I was thinking about one of my jobs, creating memes, I came up with this image that I created to be the featured image of this post. When there is no way, make a way. I’ll keep inventing and reinventing ways forward until I break through whatever tries to stand in my way.