Since Shayna transitioned I have had little to no doubt that Shayna is doing just fine, but a little reassurance never hurts. I reached out to a guy who recommended some mediums. I haven’t seen one yet, but a friend suggested I see an energy healer who happens to be a medium as well. I have been carrying her card around for several weeks now. I’m scared to go and get a big fat zero and I’m not sure what to expect if a real connection is made. Ty calls and sets up the appointment for me being very vague about what I want. She just tells her I’ve been stressed and am in need of some healing.
I meditate this morning and pray that Shayna will be there when I see the medium this afternoon. I’ve been told I should do this.
I go to her office wondering how I’m going to present this. She asks me why I’m here. I tell her I’ve been stressed and sit back to see how she will respond. She asks me for more detail about what’s been going on. I don’t want to tell her too much. I was hoping she’d say “Who is this girl who came in with you?” Well, it wasn’t quite that magical. Finally, I have to tell her what’s been going on. I tell her about Shayna passing just a few weeks ago and that I’ve been thinking about seeing a medium, not letting on that I know that she is a medium. She says “I’m a medium.” then begins trying to contact Shayna.
She asks me to see a picture of Shayna. I pull out my phone and show her my lock screen, a recent picture of Shayna since her hair was cut short. She looks up and says she sees a girl with long hair with something in her hair. She’s wearing pink and purple (Shayna’s favorite colors, BTW). She asks me if Shayna had long hair at one time. Yeah, Shayna’s hair was long until just a few months before she passed. She asks me if something special happened in Shayna’s life around the age of 13 because Shayna is presenting herself as a 13 year old girl and people will often present at the happiest times of their lives. That is the time that Shayna started public school and met the people who became some of her best friends. She tells me she senses that Shayna’s heart just stopped. Something with the electrical system. Something with the natural pacemaker, it just didn’t fire. She tells me that Shayna did not suffer at all. She tells me that Shayna is showing her shoes in the bottom of her closet. Shayna is showing her that she appreciates all we provided for her and the life we had together. She asks me about Shayna’s eyes. She has the feeling something was wrong with Shayna’s left eye. Nothing that I know of. She asks about any changes in her eyes. Again, I’m confused. Shayna had pretty poor vision and her prescription for her contacts was constantly being adjusted, but this is lost on me. Now, she tells me Shayna is showing her a plate. She asks why would Shayna show her a plate. I have to think for a while, but it comes to me. Dinners were always special to us. We ate together every night be possibly could. And Shayna was constantly critiquing my dinner. The best possible rating was “restaurant worthy”, but that was a rarity. Shayna did not hand out praise lightly. I get a laugh out of this. She tells me Shayna is giving her the words “Bossy but lovable.”. That is Shayna in a nutshell. Shayna was demanding. She loved her place as the baby in the family. She cherished the fact that she could get away with asking Ty or Kayla or me anything and we would almost always give in.
The medium gives me a bit of her story. She tells me she lost her father at a relatively young age and a few years later she saw him walking across the room. I ask her if this is something she sees physically or in her mind’s eye. She tells me she sees it physically- like she saw Shayna walk into her office.
We go on. Now the medium is asking how I’m doing. This is turning into a counseling session. I tell her how I’m getting by. She asks me what my goal was for today. I really don’t know. Did I want to hear Shayna is OK? I feel like I already knew that. Did I want to hear Shayna still loves us? I think I already knew that too. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I just want to hear from Shayna, period. I want to be able to communicate with her. I tell her about my meditation practice and how I would like to contact Shayna myself. She tells me Shayna has been in the house and probably more so lately. It’s hard when the grief is still so fresh. But, something has shifted and Shayna should be more comfortable now. She tells me Shayna came in easily today and that is a good sign that I can expect to be able to contact her. The medium tells me in addition to being able to contact the dead, she can also prophesy. She tells me that she knows I will not give up until I have contacted Shayna and I will keep working to make that happen. She’s right about that. Nothing can keep us apart. She tells me that the four of us have lived lives together before and that’s why we bonded so easily as a family. Some families have trouble with one or more members fitting in. It was never like that with us.
She asks me if I got what I came for today. She senses I don’t need “table work” (she is a license massage therapist, reiki healer, etc.). Yeah, I guess I did. She gave me some meditation techniques to try.
So, what do I want? I still don’t know other than I want to be with Shayna. I miss her terribly. Sometimes it’s worse than others, but it never goes away. One thing that the medium said to me that I found very insightful was that we never get over the loss of a child. We never move on. But, we get used to it. I guess that’s the best way I’ve heard it put. Getting used to it. It sucks. I’ll never accept it. I’ll never be happy about it. But, maybe one day I’ll feel like I can live with it. Even pain, once it settles in, can be blocked out. And every day is one day less I have to live it. The good news is this life isn’t forever.
