Today is Monday, the first day we are going to try to get back to a full routine. Kayla has to go to her lifeguard job all day. Ty and I are going to try to get the orders out. Ann is coming to help.
I manage to get myself out of bed after my normal crying and groaning. I start my Facebook therapy, check in with friends, then hit the T25. It feels good to sweat, to exert myself. Ty and I take another 3 mile walk. We continue to treat each other. We hold hands for the last mile or so. Haven’t done that in a while. I then get work done for a few hours before the exhaustion and depression hit me- this time worse than ever. I just cannot care about anything. I warn Ty the anger might come back. I don’t feel it now, just the depression, but anger is usually not far behind. Today, it’s just depression though.
As a father, it’s my job to protect and serve my family. We do all we can do to keep them safe. Doctor’s visits. We did everything any doctor ever suggested and more. None told us this could happen. We insisted Shayna work out. With her arthritis, staying active was important. Being an athlete helped. I kept telling Shayna I had three more years to teach her about nutrition. She was a sugar fiend and loved carbs. I was working on that. We are extreme about safety. We’ve always closed all the bedroom doors at night. We’ve told the girls how to get out in case of fire. We set the alarm. No thief is going to get in without us knowing it. That is no thief except one. That thief was Death. Death came without making a sound. I was ready to fight any intruder. I had my alarm set. I had my girls safe with me. Shayna was safely kissed, hugged and the door to her room shut, but she was taken anyway. What the fuck! What was I supposed to do? How did I not hear anything? If this was a cardiac event, and we will never truly know, why did it happen while she was alone? Shayna was diagnosed with a mild heart condition a couple of years ago. It was treated and supposed to be a mild nuisance. Her heart would flutter maybe once or twice a month for a few seconds. People live with this for decades. Why couldn’t this have happened when she was with us? Could we have saved her? All of this floods my mind. I’m mad. Not angry. When I was a kid, we would say we were mad meaning angry. This time I’m just mad.
The world is different now. It’s like someone put a filter over it. I know the colors are still there, but I can’t see them. It’s all black and white to me, or “gray” as Shayna said when she first saw a black and white movie. I’m trying to function, trying to go on, but it’s hard to find the motivation, until I think of Kayla and Ty and realize, I have to.
Ty and I have been more intimate since Shayna passed than we have in a long time. I know what a hole losing Shayna leaves for her and I know it’s a Shayna shaped hole I can’t fill, but at least I can be a better husband. All the things she’s been asking me to do for years, stop criticizing her so much, give her words of affirmation, physical touch. It’s coming easier now. I hope I can continue it. We hold each other again. We make love for the first time since Shayna’s passing. With all the stress and depression, I wondered if/when it would happen again, but it’s easy and great. My thoughts turn to the night Shayna was conceived. But, this time there will be no Shayna coming from this. It’s Ty and Kayla and me against the world now. We’re going to make it work.
