Day 1329- I’ve Got a Mustard Seed

It was called positive thinking decades ago. Now it’s called visualization or manifestation. Many teach that we can manifest whatever we want in our lives, wealth, health, fame, it’s all limitless. Life is but a dream and if we can become lucid in the dream, we set. Oprah has said it for years. It’s worked for her. It could work for any of us. We can all be Oprah, if we just believe.

Who wouldn’t want to believe in us living in a magical world where thinking the right thoughts makes it all easy? Who wouldn’t want life to be an endless series of accomplishments? I don’t want setbacks. I don’t want challenges. I want life on my terms. If manifestation works, teach me how to do it.

I look around. All around me people are facing challenges. As I type this, I know three people going through life-threatening challenges. Did they not think the right things? I watched a documentary a few days ago “Heal.” A friend in one of my spiritual communities recommended it. It’s about how we can heal ourselves, and there are examples of some miraculous healings. I couldn’t help but notice that one of the women featured in the film was a vegan, mostly raw, organic yoga freak. Yet, she got stage 4 cancer. Through various healing modalities (maybe) she beat the disease. But, if she was so careful with her temple before and so spiritual, why did she get sick in the first place? I think of Anita Moorjani who says it was her fear of getting sick, her obsession with perfect health that caused her cancer. What are we to do to ensure health and wealth?

The last several years have been full of challenges for me. Every time the phone rings, I wonder what will go wrong next. When Tywana yells my name from the other end of the house, my PTSD kicks in. I’m immediately back to June 24, 2015 when she yelled at me from Shayna’s room. The world was OK one second, the next second everything had changed forever. When Kayla texts, I hold my breath until I hear “I’m OK”. These life-changing moments, these times when life turns on a dime, why do they seem to be “negative”? The phone doesn’t ring in the middle of the night with an announcement that you’ve won the lottery. Things don’t fix themselves. The washing machine breaks. The mechanic calls and says the car needs a new transmission. Entropy seems to reign.

I’ve been working on affirmations, positive thinking, manifestation all of that stuff. My friend who is trying to help me will tell me things like this blog post will block the flow. If I don’t manifest these things, it’s my fault. I just didn’t believe enough. Just believe more and it’ll all be unicorns and lollipops.

I’m running in a thousand different directions right now and I’m mentally exhausted. I’ve got to focus. Just yesterday, I was writing something to my business coach telling him that I’m de-emphasizing Treasured Locks. Tywana’s got a full time job. I’m working a couple of part-time jobs. Maybe Treasured Locks will fade into the sunset. I put thousands of dollars into it last year that didn’t move the needle at all. It’s been a grind for at least five years. So, instead of pushing on that, I’m pushing on other things. Then, I opened an email about an opportunity for Treasured Locks I’ve been pursuing for nearly a year. I have emailed, made calls, sent samples, filled out paper work, filled out paper work again, sent samples again, created presentations, and sent more emails pursuing this opportunity. About four months ago I gave up and emailed them thanking them for their consideration but saying I couldn’t jump through any more hoops. They said maybe we could work together without doing all the things they had previously demanded. (In sales, this is called the “take away” close, but that wasn’t my intention.)

The emailed I opened yesterday said we are in the final stages of consideration and that I could get an affirmative answer. They just need to approve the final paperwork I submitted and look over the proposal I put together a couple of weeks ago. As I type this, I’m listening to a new artist for me. I’ve never heard the album before and the song that is on at this moment is “(Don’t Get Your) Hopes Up.” I hope that’s not a sign. I’m not taking it as a sign.

So, what do I do at this moment? I’d like to manifest this deal. It could be the biggest thing to happen to our company in the seventeen years of its existence. I’ve hardly dared dream of what it could mean. Only in the last couple of weeks have I began to visualize how it could change things for the better.

I’ve asked my friends to visualize for me. As the man said to Jesus “I believe, help my unbelief.” I’ve got faith the size of a mustard seed. I’m holding onto a sliver of hope. As my friend Irene closes her podcast “To be continued”.