During these first, darkest days after the passing of a loved one, we are trying to find first, a reason and second, a way to go on. We want to die with them. We know we can’t bring them back, but maybe we can go be with them. We pray to God, “Why didn’t you take me instead?” We beg God to take us now. We cannot imagine the time between now and when we see them again as being bearable. Please, if you say anything, don’t say things like “You’’ll never get over this.” What you might mean is we will never forget our loved one. That’s fine. We don’t want to forget them. But, what we hear is “This pain will never go away. It will always be the same.” No. I reject that. It’s not possible for me to endure like this. Hearing that takes away the hope I am desperately trying to muster. It takes away both my reason to go on and my ability to find a way to go on.
Don’t tell me me how hard it will be or the stages of grief that will lead to an inevitable long term depression. I know it will be hard. I know better than you. Don’t tell me my marriage will be at risk. I already know that. Give me examples of people’s whose marriages have survived. Don’t tell me my surviving child will have a hard time adjusting.
Whisper hope to me. Give me a reason to go on. Tell me it will get better. Or say nothing at all.