Day 145- Thanksgiving

Today is our first holiday since Shayna passed. Thanksgiving is our favorite holiday because there is so much less hustle and bustle than at Christmas and we always spend it with either Ty’s family or my family. This year however we decide to stay home. We had to make three trips to Toledo this week to pick up, drop off, then pick up Kayla again. 18 hours in the car total. And, I don’t think any of the three of us is ready for a holiday with the extended family again.

It’s difficult to explain to people why you don’t want to be around them, but I’m glad that the three of us are on the same page about what we need this holiday and are able to be frank enough to tell others, too. We always spend Christmas at home. So today feels like Christmas minus the presents.

It is a beautiful day, 60 degrees and sunny. Unusual for Thanksgiving in Ohio. Ty and I both get our walks in today, each having a good cry thinking about our baby not being with us. I’m wondering how many more of these I will have to endure, but I quickly set that thought aside. It’s one day at a time for now.

We watch some TV and a movie. After my walk, I actually don’t even leave the house for the remainder of the day. We have the smallest turkey we can find, sweet potato casserole, green beans, roles dressing, deviled eggs. Ty makes a banana pudding for dessert. With only the three of us, the leftovers look like the food has hardly been touched.

It’s just the three of us now. Kayla is such a joy, but I know for all three of us thoughts turn to Shayna several times during the day. How am I supposed to feel? We still have the three of us and today is supposed to be a day of gratitude, but each of us would give anything to have her back with us today. So, we have to hold gratitude and terrible longing in our hearts at the same time.

As I take the dogs out for the last time of the day and get ready for bed I am thinking I made it through another day. One day closer. Ty and I check in with each other. I think, in a way, we were both dreading this day, but it wasn’t as bad as we anticipated it might be. We both felt Shayna’s presence with us at various times of the day. And I’m glad for the space we allowed by not being around hordes of people today. It was what we needed.