Day 150- I’m Just Tired

I wake up in Columbus in the guest bedroom at my parents’ house. It’s before dawn, that time of day when I get a lot of inspiration, but also have a lot of deep and sometimes disturbing thoughts. I think about the Morgan James concert last night. That was a good time. But being here reminds me of being home many years ago. I think back to when I first started coming home as a visitor and sleeping in this room over 30 years ago now. Wow. 30 years. Then I think 30 years into the future. I’d be 84. It never occurred to me that I might live that long. I shudder at the thought. God don’t let it be. Not 30 more please.

We are built with this desire for self-preservation. We will do anything, anything to keep this body around. I guess I was normal in that regard. I used to be terrified of death. Then, I slowly came to accept the fact that I was mortal. That’s when I got over the panic attacks. Now I welcome death. It’s the only certainty in life and I take comfort in the fact that I know no matter what else may happen that rest will finally come. No matter what life throws at me from here to the end at least it’s only temporary.

As we make the drive home we’re listening to a Podcast of my favorite subject, the afterlife. The guest observes how people who have had NDEs almost never want to come back. They are usually forced back. When they do come back voluntarily it’s almost always for others. He then notes how we will do anything and everything to avoid death. “Why?” he asks. “Why indeed?” I think.

It’s a(nother) gray Ohio day. We haven’t seen the sun in days, which is typical for December here. I’m cold. It’s spitting rain off and on. I didn’t get my walk in today. I feel like a slug. I’m edgy. I snap at Ty for little things. I see some pictures of Shayna on my phone and I just lose it bawling. I look out the window and just want to jump thought it. It’s as raw as it was the first week again. I’m just tired of trying to cope with this. I’m mentally spent. That thought this morning of thinking it could be decades just won’t go away. I have to get back to focusing on one day at a time.

Late afternoon rolls around. I’m still in this funk. Maybe mediation will help. But, meditating in this mood is difficult at best. I sit for half an hour. Better than nothing I guess, but the monkey mind is in full effect right now.

Oh well, some days are better than others and every day is one day closer to relief. I need to go apologize to Ty and see what I can salvage from the remainder of this day. It’ll be dark soon. Another thing I just love about winter . One day more…