Day 16- The Word For Today Is Confusion

It’s been two weeks and a day since Shayna passed.  At first I felt like I wouldn’t be able to draw another breath.  Then, it was kind of surreal.  My brain kept rejecting what I knew to be objectively true. I kept thinking she’s just on a sleepover or she’s up in her room on her iPhone. We went through all of the arrangements on auto-pilot, well except I broke down and cried in every single meeting with the funeral home, the chapel and the minister as instead of planning a birthday part or graduation, I planned my baby’s final celebration.

Now the steady stream of the visitors has died down, the service is over, the flowers we got are dying and we’re throwing them out.  I’m sitting down and trying to get to know what life will be like.  I feel somewhat better, but that feeling brings feelings of guilt.  Am I mourning her enough? What is “normal” for two weeks out?  I’m working. I’m working out.  I’m functioning. I have to. Or do I?  People keep asking me how I’m doing.  I honestly don’t know right now.  Ty and I are action oriented people. We don’t just sit back and let things happen and we are approaching this the way we do everything.  

  • Checking off lists. 
  • Making phone calls. 
  • Seeking counseling. 
  • Taking long walks. 
  • Checking in with each other several times a day.

As I type this, I’m sitting alone in my office trying to think of the next thing to do. I have to do something, but I don’t know what that thing is. I am totally confused.

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