As I lie here in bed trying to sleep in the wee hours of the morning., this is the time of the day when the thoughts come and go. Sometimes they’re ingenious. This is when inspiration flows. Sometimes I think they’re ingenious and in the light of day I say “What was I thinking?”
On the scale of great thoughts, this one isn’t all that high, but it means something to me. I’m thinking of Star Trek and Mr. Spock and Captain Kirk. Star Trek was an extremely influential show in my past. I think of it often even ot this day. As a kid I think most people gravitated to Captain Kirk. He was the fiery one, the take charge guy, the one who got the ladies. I liked Mr. Spock. I liked his cool, his calm, his composure. He was meditating before I ever knew what meditation was. I wanted to be like him. Spock was the cool one for me.
I’m realizing both Kirk and Spock live inside me now. Spock is the “Observer”. As someone trying to learn mindfulness (first as a survival mechanism), I try first to focus on being in the moment. Second, I’m trying to work on understanding, labeling and detaching from my emotions. There are times when the Observer (or the Spock) side of me, my higher more evolved self will look in and say “Fascinating.” Spock can appreciate what is happening and is intrigued by it. I can step outside and watch how these events unfolding are opportunities for growth, for spiritual advancement. I can see how in the bigger scheme of things this may all be “working together for the good”.
Then, there are those times, the Kirk side of me is in charge. The scared little boy who doesn’t want to go through this “growth” stuff. I just want everything to be OK- NOW. I don’t want to take my medicine, have the surgery, lift the weights, whatever metaphor you want to use. I’m tired. I just want to go home. I want to take a nap. I’m done!
As I aspire to life more in the Light to be more my authentic self to live every day and every moment in an enlightened awareness, I have to remain mindful that living as an enlightened being is not the reason I came here. I have been wrestling with the concepts of being awakened and being enlightened. I think I am awakened in that I now know who I truly am. The thing is most of the time I forget and I don’t live like it. To be enlightened is to live like that every moment of every day. I am not enlightened.
At times, I can intellectualize all of this and tell myself the pain is temporary, that it will all be all right in the end (and it will). I can’t live that out every moment though. And that is OK. There’s a reason for the pain and the process. There’s a reason I was made weak and sent here. To try to bypass that would be to defeat the goal. I have to feel the emotions, the pain, deal with the suffering. Back to Kirk and Spock. Spock was only half Vulcan. The other half of him was human. Spock constantly struggled to suppress the human side of himself, the side he saw as weak. But, I’m meant to be human. The awakening I have had is beneficial. It dulls the pain, keeps it to a manageable level, but it’s not going to take it away. It’s not supposed to. I think I am given enough to be able to make it through, but never will given so much as to take it away. That will happen when I slip out of this body and wake up back at Home.
As I go through this most difficult time of my life (I hopefully am safe in saying it’s the most difficult time I will ever have because I could not survive any more), I am first and foremost focusing on surviving it. I’m coming up on six months since Shayna passed and if you had told me that I could live six months after that, I would have told you you were crazy. I don’t know what I expected to happen, but there have been times when I just felt like the next breath would not come. So, survival is job one. A friend who was a professional counselor in a past career was having a conversation with me and asked me if I could see any lessons I might learn from this holiday season coming up, any opportunities for growth/advancement. I thought for a moment. The short answer is “no”. This is a time to just get through. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Before we can concentrate on growth or fulfillment, we have to provide for survival. I’m not looking for any advancement in the next few weeks, I’m looking to get through it. I’ll have my head down focused on one day at a time. Maybe in a few weeks or months or whatever, I can look back and find the lessons.