Day 164- Resistance

I wake up and it’s pitch black outside.  We’re just four days from the winter solstice and every morning is a struggle now.  My first thought is always “I’m tired.” That’s followed quickly by “I don’t want to do this.”.  I often pray to just die. I don’t mean it literally. Death sounds great. Dying is something I don’t want to do. I just don’t want to get out of bed and face the world.  

For most of the year, I’m a morning person. The sunrise brings fresh possibilities.  I wake up and think “What can I get done today?”  I love the first rays of light coming in the window.  This time of year it’s just “Help me get through this.”  The darkness and the cold drain my energy. I have to get up before the light to get everything done. And resistance seems particularly strong right now. Things I’m trying to accomplish are just so hard to do.  It’s not just for me, it’s for those around me.  And as an empath I share their burdens.  I know three people who have suffered the loss of a father in the last couple of weeks.  I know people who are making plans for a death in their immediate family, an untimely death that is just so out of order.  I have a very close friend, someone closer than many of my family members, who has been contemplating suicide. It’s a dark time- literally.

I think about the resistance I’m facing.  I mean everything seems to be going wrong from my prized goldfish all just suddenly dying a couple of weeks ago to struggles with the business.  I won’t even list all of the minor annoyances  What does it all mean?  What purpose does it serve?  

I was talking with a friend a couple of weeks ago and we talked about these struggles.  If you’re one who believes in signs from the universe or God or Source or Whatever, when things are a struggle does that mean you’re supposed to give up on them? Is that a sign to turn and go in another direction? Some take it to mean that. But, when you find successful people they have generally failed not once, not twice, but many times.  You’ll never get anywhere if you turn around at the first sign of trouble.   And those successful people are generally told “No” repeatedly before they find success in what turns out to be their life’s best accomplishments. Oprah Winfrey, Sylvester Stallone (look up his story on when he tried to pitch the movie Rocky), Dr. Seuss, the dude who wrote Chicken Soul for The Soul. I could go on and on and on….  None of them found success quickly or easily. They were told they weren’t good enough over and over. When I think about Treasured Locks, over the last few years I have contemplated just throwing in the towel and getting a real job. But, what would I do? And, just when do you quit? What if that breakthrough is the next thing you try?  How will you know unless you just keep plugging away?  As long as the ideas to keep trying new things keep coming, I guess I’ll keep trying new things to get it to the next level.

Treasured Locks is my occupation.  It’s how I make a living.  Writing is my avocation.  I feel that I have something to say, but it’s not something people are willing to pay for, so I give it away. A few years ago the guy who was the pastor of the church I attended recognized my Facebook page as a ministry.  I feel like what I do is ministering.  The difference between a pastor and a minister, is a pastor is a leader- he has a flock.  A minister is a servant. But, even in this avocation, I have resistance. I have trolls sent to me occasionally. Not many.  I have over 1,000 Facebook friends.  I can think of three serious trolls over all those years.  These are people who seem to live to contradict what I say.  The thing that’s interesting is knowing when to cut them loose.  I believe everyone who comes into my life serves some purpose.  If I just cut them loose immediately, I’ll miss the purpose.  But, how long do I allow them to torment me? Maybe the lesson is learning when to cut them loose.

So I go on.  The resistance is necessary. We can’t grow without something to push against. An accomplishment with no barriers having been overcome is no accomplishment at all.  Kayla is struggling to make it through organic chemistry. I struggled my entire four years at Ohio State to get my Chemical Engineering degree. But the struggle is what makes me proud of that accomplishment to this day- 35 plus years later.

I know many of you are dealing with resistance right now that seems overwhelming.  I know that at least one of you is thinking about quitting.  I understand.  For me, when those times come I have to go micro in my focus. Instead of focusing on getting through the coming decades or years or even months, think of just getting through the day.  Surely you can make it through today. Tomorrow (don’t think about it now), we’ll do the same thing.  Surely spring can’t be forever away.

Peace and strength to you my friends.