Day 166- Ambivalence

Ambivalence. It’s one of those word that has always seemed a bit funny to me.  I just looked up the dictionary definition and most have it as “mixed emotions” having more than one emotion at a time, but for me I think the stronger definition is what makes it an interesting. Ambivalence is more than having mixed emotions, it’s holding opposing emotions at the same time.  

I’ve never felt at home here.  I’ve always had this desire to go Home.  I think the years of panic attacks were my subconscious bringing that to the surface.  But, having Ty and Kayla and Shayna here grounded me.  Finally, I felt like I could endure this for as long as I needed to and I was OK with sticking around as long as they needed me. Losing Shayna has put me in an awkward position though.Without thinking about it, a thought would always randomly pop into my head.  It’s happened every since I can remember “How many more days?”  I would wonder how many more days I have here.  It’s not a question I would ever answer.  It would just come up.  I don’t know why. Now when it comes up I ponder it longer than did before. Before I would quickly dismiss it. 

I want so badly to be out of here. There is too much pain, too much strife, too much war, too much selfishness.  I’m just tired of it all.  Seeing Shayna is an added incentive for getting out of here sooner.  I’ve have a good life.  I’ve been married 25 years.  I’ve raised two fantastic girls.  I’ve run a business.  I think I’ve been a good influence on people around me. What more is there to go on for?

But, then the opposing thoughts/emotions come in.  I need to be here for Ty and Kayla.  There’s just too much going on for me to add to there pain. They still want to be here and I’m an important part of their life. I wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt either of them. So, I will stay as long as I can.  And, there’s the exit.  Death sounds like a relief now. Dying…  well no one wants to die. That’s still a bit scary.  

Ambivalence has become a much more prominent part of my life now, a tension I will live with for the rest of my days. The upside is no matter where I am, I’m kind of where I want to be. I want to be with Ty and Kayla and I am and when I go I will be with Shayna.  All good. But, the downside is while I’m here I’m not where i want to be.  I can’t speak for when I go there if I’ll wish I were back here.  That’s doubtful.  

To paraphrase Paul:

For we know that if the earthly shell we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, we wish to be Home, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by Life. Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are in the body we are away from the Lord (and Shayna)

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