Day 18- The Tears Are Back- With a Vengeance

Yesterday I woke feeling pretty good.  I hadn’t cried much in the last day. A friend wrote to me saying that the body can only cry so much.  Maybe I reached my limit. I mean I’ve cried more in the last two weeks than I have in 54 years combined. I’m pretty sure that is literally true.  

This morning Ty and I wake and we’re doing pretty OK. We make love. It’s great.  But, the raw emotion then just starts to pour out of each of us. First, she starts crying. No words are necessary. I just hold her. Then, I start crying.  Great. We have a good cry together.  Yes, we’re adjusting to our new normal, but it doesn’t mean either of us has to like it.  Yes, we’re trying to hold on to faith, to hope, but it doesn’t mean we don’t miss having Shayna bursting into our room.  We are clinging desperately, but sometimes the grip feels tenuous.

I can finally articulate after 2-½ weeks what it is that makes this the absolute worst.  My family is separated. We cannot be together. I can’t be with Shayna and Ty and Kayla. I have to be here to take care of them. We’re still on the battlefield, but one of our company has gone on without us.  I want to be with her so badly. I feel ripped asunder. I am my family.

Today my family is coming for a visit. It’s been exactly a week since the last one packed up and left.  They have been incredibly supportive even since leaving.  I need to get some stuff done, burn off some energy before they come. I decide to tackle some yard work with my sawzall and my shovel. Bushes that have overgrown- your time has come. I’m taking you down.  I attack the bushes with zeal.  Hacking, cutting, destroying feels good. The anger flows through me, through my sawzall into the bushes.  I use the shovel to destroy and pry at the roots. But, I am listening to India.Arie as I’m doing it.  The girls loved India.Arie when they were little. Everything reminds me of Shayna now.  Even things that have nothing to do with her, I’ll find a connection.  India.Arie though is someone we enjoyed together, so there is a special connection there. The album I’m listening to is the one with “I Am Not My Hair’ which was the Treasured Locks unofficial theme song for a while. But, the song that breaks me up, has my head in my hands as I stumble back and forth discarding the destroyed bushes is “This Too Shall Pass”, the last track on the album.

“I achieved so much in life
But I’m an amateur in love
My bank account is doing just fine
But my emotions are bankruptMy body is nice and strong
But my heart is in a million pieces
When the sun is shining so am I
But when the night falls so does my tearsSometimes the beatings so loud in my heart
That I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
That I can barely hear what God says

Then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angel’s whisper that this too shall pass
My ancestors whisper that this day one day will be the past
So I walk in faith that this too shall passThe one that loved me the most
Turned around and hurt me the worse
I’m doing my best to move on
But the pain just keeps singing me songsMy head and my heart are at war
Cause love ain’t happening the way I wanted
Feel like I’m about to break down
Can’t hear the light at the end of the tunnelSo I pray for healing in my heart
To be put back together what is torn apart
And I pray for quiet in my head
That I can hear clearly what God saysThen I hear the whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the Angels whisper that this too shall pass
My ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
So I walk in faith that this too shall passAll of sudden I realize
That it only hurts worse to fight it
So I embrace my shadow
And hold on to the morning lightThis Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
I hear the angels whisper
that trouble don’t have to last always
I hear the angels whisper
Even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday.
I hear my angels whisper.
I hear my angels whisper.
This too shall pass”

I’m a wreck. The sun is shining. I’m outside, banging stuff around and I’m bawling like a baby. But, you know what, I think for the first time maybe I felt my guardian angel and while I was crying I felt just a bit comforted.  Hopefully no one sees me. I finish up the yard work and head inside. I still have some time before the family arrives.  I’m going to take 2-3 mile walk.  I try to find some music that won’t connect me to Shayna. I choose J. Geils Monkey Island- that’s pre-kids music with no connection to them, but of course, every song reminds me of Shayna in some way.  The opening of the title song Monkey Island- a piano with a Latin beat takes me to heaven. I imagine myself dancing with Shayna as I’m power walking.  Again, hopefully no one sees me, but I really don’t care.  I’m with her now- at least for a few minutes.

The walk is over and the family has arrived.  I don’t know if they could tell or not, but I was pretty much a zombie all day.  I appreciate them coming and it was a great distraction for a few hours, but all I can do is think about Shayna.  I just want to cry. Every time I leave the room, to to go the basement to get a drink, to retrieve packages from the porch, I cry again. My brother has two girls almost exactly the same ages as Kayla and Shayna. Briana and Shayna were inseparable. Shayna was only a couple of months older. We took vacations together.  Whenever we got together, those two were like Siamese twins.  A few weeks ago (God was it only a few weeks?) at Alyssa’s graduation party, I saw Briana without Shayna.  I even asked “Where’s Shayna?” because if you saw one, the other was never far behind. Seeing Briana there today without Shayna was just surreal.

Finally, the family packs up and leaves. They take Shayna’s gecko Cinna.  This breaks my heart again as I pack Cinna up. Not that I was attached to Cinna. I rarely saw him, but Shayna’s handiwork was being packed up and shipped out. She decorated his terrarium just right. She did all the research on how to make it perfect for his needs, but she put her Shayna flair on it making it also aesthetically pleasing.  We custom designed his flooring going to the tile store to find a pebble backsplash that we poured calcium sand into.  

After they’re gone, I get the release I need. Now I can cry in earnest. I fall into Ty’s lap sobbing.  I pour my heart out to her. Today has been the worst day yet.  I’m worried for the first time ever about whether I have the strength to go on.