Day 184- Mediocre

Yesterday we had a meeting to discuss the marketing strategy of our company as we do a major project launch. This could be a shifting point for us as we have been in business for 13 years now and I feel finally positioned to make the breakthrough we have been seeking to make.

I lie awake in bed this morning thinking about my life and what I have accomplished.  The word that comes into my head is mediocre.  I’ve felt frustrated for most of my adult life. I feel like I was given so much potential, most of which has never been realized. I did great in high school.  My parents wanted me to be a doctor.  I could have been a doctor.  I was too lazy to go to medical school though. So, I chose Chemical Engineering. I did just all right in college, but I haven’t worked a day in my life as a Chemical Engineer. I went into sales and envisioned a career skyrocketing with IBM.  I did just all right with IBM, always making my numbers, but never really blowing it away and never getting that elusive promotion. I left IBM in frustration and worked for a series of companies large and small.  I left each as I could never achieve the level of success I thought I should be able to achieve.  

Spiritually, while looking back I can see I’ve made great progress from where I was, I am a long, long way from where I’d like to be.  Again, I feel this is an area of my life where I was given great potential.  I’ve always been a seeker.  I’ve always been sensitive. I’ve always had an interest in advancing spiritually, but my progress has been limited, probably due to too much of a reliance on my intellect.  It’s been a big obstacle for me.  I keep trying, but progress is slow and I’m almost 55 now.

Finally, 13 years ago, Ty and I started Treasured Locks. Treasured Locks took off like a rocket for the first eight years or so, but then things began to decay a bit and we’ve been running in place ever since.  Doing OK, but not doing great.  Trying all sorts of things to get to that next level, but always experiencing frustration.

The one thing in my life that I can say is not mediocre however is my family.  I have been fully committed to them.  Everything I do is for Ty and for Kayla and for Shayna.  All of the effort I have put into the business and my career since Kayla and Shayna joined us was for the benefit of the three of them.  I was always thinking “What happens when I’m not here to take care of them? I’ve got to get them ready for that.”  While I have been frustrated on some fronts in my life, there isn’t a single thing I would change about my family. We wanted girls and we got two of them. They are both beauties and I don’t mean just physically. Both have amazing spirits and big hearts. They excelled in school. They were always their teachers’ favorites.  Kayla is going to have a great career helping people. Shayna was on a course to do God only knows what.  Her potential was virtually unlimited being smart, attractive, personable, energetic.  But, I believe Shayna is doing even bigger things now than we could have imagined Shayna would have done here. I feel like her passing is a loss for this world, but I probably don’t even have the capacity to understand what she is accomplishing where she is now.  

I have muddled along through this life in a couple of areas being frustrated at slow progress.  But, I have in the way that matters most to me, done well.  Very well I’d say.  So, maybe I’m not so mediocre.  

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