I wake up and look at the clock. 6:13 AM. Today is Shayna’s 16th birthday. Since she passed in June I’ve known this day would be a milestone. Shayna was SO looking forward to driving. Christmas and her birthday are only three weeks apart. Shayna loved this time of year always prepping us early with the birthday and Christmas wish lists so we had enough time to get what she wanted.
I’ve been wondering how I would get through this day, but no answers came. My brother and his wife volunteered to drive to meet us for dinner. They live 2 hours away. That’s a very nice gesture, but it wouldn’t help. And not having any idea of what type of emotions we would have today trying to put on a good face for them would be another burden to bear. I’ve thought about trying to ignore the fact it’s her birthday, but that doesn’t seem right either. Nothing seems right, so I’ve decided to just see what happens when the day rolls around. And, like all days you dread or look forward to, it inevitably does roll around. As I look at the clock what strikes me is this. It’s a day. Just another day in a series of days I have to get through. It’s a milestone along a marathon route. There is no point spending the entire day looking back because I can’t bring back the past, even if Shayna were here. Those days are gone. There is no point thinking about all of the birthdays without Shayna that are to come. That’s not guaranteed. I might not be here for Shayna’s 17th birthday. So, why spend time on that? Today is today. It’s hard enough to focus on this. So, I will focus on this only.
Ty asks me what we did for Shayna’s birthday last year. Neither of us can remember. She was playing national volleyball and traveling all the time. Kayla was at school. We know Ty took snacks for the team to celebrate and we figure we took Shayna out to dinner, but neither of us can remember.
As I rise from bed I look at my meditation altar where I have a pair of Shayna’s glasses. Shayna had pretty terrible vision for a 16 year old girl and it was getting worse. Looking at her glasses I’m reminded of the fact she has perfect vision now. We miss Shayna being here and the excitement I know she would have about this day, but Shayna is not missing having this 16th birthday. She is on to bigger and better things.
So, today I will go about my business. It’s time to do my workout. I’ll work and then Ty and I are going out for pizza, Shayna’s favorite. And when this day is over, I will celebrate. Celebrate one day closer to seeing her again.