We have now made it through the one week, one month and six month anniversaries of Shayna’s transition. We have made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year’s and Shayna’s first birthday without her. I have to give credit to Ty for her strength on this journey and for her support of me as I struggle through it.
In about three weeks it will be 29 years since we first met. It was February 7, 1987, exactly one week before Valentine’s Day. I was not looking for romance at the time, being tangled up in more than one dysfunctional relationship, but when we met I think we both knew we were meant to take this journey together. I had to set my agenda aside and while it took 3-½ years for me to finally give in to a lifelong commitment, I think I knew it was inevitable much earlier on. She is the one who decided we should have Kayla and then Shayna. I was reluctant. Boy, was I wrong. I’m so glad I listened to her. Ty has always been the yang to my yin. I am the quiet, serious, introspective one. She is the outgoing, spontaneous one who really never thought too deeply about “the meaning of it all”.
Shayna’s passing shocked us both. It totally knocked us off our feet for different reasons. I always thought about a time when we would not be together. I planned for it. I just knew I would be leaving them early and I wanted to set the three of them up to survive without me. I talked all the time about how they would have to go on without me. Ty, on the other hand, doesn’t think about such things. Neither of us was ready for Shayna to go the way she did. My obsession with death and the afterlife helped lessen some of the blow for me, but Ty is now having to deal with things she’s never even contemplated. And, she is doing an absolutely amazing job.
I know her as well as I’ve ever known another being on this planet with the possible exception of my girls. We’ve been together for over half of our lives now and almost all of her adult life. We have gone through good times and bad times. However, I am seeing something in her now that I didn’t know was there. It’s something that I don’t think she knew was there. It’s something that was lying dormant until the time she needed to draw upon it. I see an inner strength, an ability to reflect and go within. I see her getting in touch with her thoughts, thinking about her thoughts. I see her studying and even meditating. I see her exploring the deeper meaning of why we are here and where we are going.
Last night as we were lying in bed ready to go to sleep we discussed just how exhausting this process is. Ty talked about how we have to constantly be aware of our thoughts and be on guard for where they can take us. Yes, we could easily go to a very dark place right now, but neither of us will do that for the sake of ourselves, each other and Kayla. It’s a battle, a never ending struggle to shift paradigms from one that tells us this world, this life, this body is all there is to one that says we are eternal beings inhabiting a body for a period of time before we go back home (and are reunited with Shayna). It’s a difficult but necessary shift.
Not only has Ty been strong enough to get through this time, she has been an amazing partner to me helping me get through it and allowing me to express my often morose and depressing thoughts which I need to get out. I don’t hold back much and it’s so good to be able to be myself at this time. Being anyone else just takes more energy than I can muster. She has been open to listening to my often long and repetitive ramblings of some new discovery I’ve made or some insight I’ve gotten. She’s reading the books I’m reading, listening to the Podcasts I’m listening to. We are right there for each other every step along the path.
As we’ve now gone through the toughest six months, by far, of our nearly 29 years together, I am reminded once again why I chose this life partner. I couldn’t imagine doing this with anyone else. I couldn’t do this with anyone else. And I look at her in awe to see the powerful being that she truly is. I was going to use the word transformation, but it’s not a transformation. That would be wrong. it’s just a revealing of what was always there.