Day 20- She Would Have Been 15-1/2

I fell asleep last night thinking about Shayna and how she is better off where she is and that I need to accept the spiritual relationship we now have.  There ar times when I can feel her close, but there is still that desire to hear her sweet voice, have her squish the veins in the backs of my hands or rub the bald spots on my legs like she used to do.  

I slept well last night.  I wake in a good mood. I feel peaceful.  I feel calm. Then, I remember. Today is the day she would have been taking her temporary driver’s license test. Shayna had it pegged down to the very day she was eligible and it was today. 

I have every confidence this is no big deal to Shayna now. Shayna is not mourning that loss, but I am. Even though Shayna would have been a handful as a new driver and I was dreading this day, now I wish we could have had it.  I mourn that loss and I break into tears. So much for accepting the new spiritual relationship. I wanted to see my baby girl grow up. I wanted her to have a Sweet 16 party, not a “Live Celebration” at at 15.  This sucks!

It’s time for a Shayna story.  She and Ty were returning from a volleyball trip a few weeks ago.  Shayna had been bugging Ty about letting her drive- just around an empty parking lot. Dad doesn’t need to know. All of that stuff. Shayna had also been asking a lot of questions about driving. Driving was easy she reasoned. After all “I’m really good at Mario Kart”. Ty was telling Shayna while they were on the highway that the left lane was for fast moving cars, passing only. The right lane is for slower moving cars. Shayna’s response “Why would anybody want to drive slow?”   

I love thinking about Shayna. I love remembering. It brings a smile to my face. Even as I type this, just the thought of her lightens my heart. It’s when I think about the future that was take from us that the tears flow.  We had 15-½ wonderful years.  I wanted 20 more before I left. She was not supposed to go first.