Do you ever get a song or a Bible verse or a phrase stuck in your head? For me, the last couple of weeks it’s been this “At my wits’ end”. The reason it keeps rattling around in my brain is that is literally where I am. I’ve relied on my wits my entire life to get by, to make the next step to figure out which direction to take. I feel like my ideas on how to get things done on how to survive and to thrive have run out. I wake up thinking how tired I am. I look forward to going to bed and not having to think anymore. I’m not much for prayer. I talk to my higher power, but not long drawn out formal stuff. I find myself repeating “Help me” about ten times a day, mostly when I wake up in the morning, because I really just don’t know where to turn. I force myself out of bed, force myself to keep taking it a day at a time, a minute at a time. Thinking “What now? What do I do now?” and often just not coming up with a good answer.
Ty and I are trying to re-work the business. Treasured Locks has grown stagnant over the last couple of years and needs to go in a new direction to thrive. We’ve invested several thousand dollars in new inventory and product development. Now we have to figure out how to sell it. Over the years I’ve been burned by marketing companies, advertising agencies, SEO companies, public relations companies, etc. all over promising and under delivering. I’ve become both jaded and gun shy. I can’t keep dumping thousands of dollars into people who have no idea what they are doing. With the new product we are launching we are looking for someone to give us ideas on how to get it out. Google reached out to us and “accepted” us into a program for small businesses. All they need is a minimum of $6,000 a month commitment to get started. Hello Google? What part of small business do you not understand? Then, we met with a local marketing agency. They’ve been working with Salon Concepts. They said they could help us. We have a great product and a good brand. The initial meeting went great. Then they came back with their proposal. For just $3,000 a month they can handle our social media and give us advice on public relations. For only $2,500 (per newsletter) they can write a newsletter for us. Uh… no thanks. So, we’re back to square one. Still working on this one.
Ty and I are doing what we can to process Shayna’s death, to accept where we are now and to make the best of the days that stretch out before us. There’s so much to be done to change our mindsets into one that can cope with the loss of the thing on the Earth that is most precious to you. Either and both of us would give up literally anything (other than Kayla) to bring Shayna back. But, in spite of the bumper stickers, not all things are possible. Some things are not possible, even with God. So, we listen to Podcasts, read books, attend groups, talk to friends, talk to each other, pray, meditate, cry, scream, moan. It’s exhausting.
I’m standing in the kitchen making lunch and I have a carving knife in my hand. I press the point into my abdomen- just slightly. What would it take to just end it all now? Well, first of all, that would hurt a lot. No Brian, that’s not the way to do it. Second, nah. I can’t. I have other people I’m responsible to. And, my friends in the Near Death Experience group tell me I signed up for this. They also tell me if I try to take a shortcut I’ll likely just end up right back here repeating these lesson. No, I’ve made it too far to turn back now. Who wants to repeat this grade? Not me.
So, I’m at my wits’ end, but I guess I have to beyond my wits now. Gotta find a way to get up and press Play every day.