Day 21- Desperately Clinging to Hope

Today is another rough one. I thought Monday was bad. Today is worse.  I think I cried most of the day today.  I got my walk in, but didn’t have time for my workout.  I got some work done, but around 3 o’clock the world just caved in on me and I sat on the couch.  

I normally work with music on. I always have music or politics on in the car.  I can’t stand the stimulation right now. I work in silence. I drive in silence. As I was sitting on the couch my friend Chuck checked in on me. It’s good to have people I can be completely transparent with. I tell him I’m just done. Spent. I’m sitting on the couch listening to the dishwasher run and the sound of the rain outside.  It’s all I can manage for now.  

Ty has two meetings out of the house today. That is great for her. She needs to get out, keep busy. She’s always been like that.  We know we have to keep finding ways to keep her engaged.

I finish the book The Afterlife of Billy Fingers.  I’ve been on a reading tear the last three weeks trying to find something to cling to.  Frankly, the book ends disappointing me. The afterlife sounds like an isolated place and I’m looking for hope of seeing my Shayna again. It doesn’t help.  I begin reading a grief book that Ty bought.  It was written by mothers who lost children.  At first it helps knowing they got through the loss and are still alive, still married, still raising other children and grandchildren, but its’ also depressing. They are sometimes over a decade out and not able to celebrate holidays. They avoid birthday celebrations. They speak of a “shadow grief”.  I expect I’ll never be “over” losing Shayna. And I certainly certainly never want to forget her, but I don’t want to become that guy no one wants to be around either. I don’t want to deprive the rest of my family the joy of holidays.  Nah, I can’t do that.  I’m not sure if these books are helping or not, but I’ve got to find a way to make the rest of my life worth living and to keep making life worth living for Ty and Kayla

I decide I’m going to need one-on-one counseling. I call and set up an appointment for Friday. I’m going to try to stay ahead of what I know is coming.  There are too many emotions, too much for me sort through by myself. 

Ty and I go for a walk where we can get in another talk. We are in agreement we can’t go down the path of mourning separately, denying Kayla a great family life, withdrawing from family and friends.  We’re trying to manage staying in life even as it feels surreal to both of us.  I can share with her today was a particularly bad day, cry on her shoulder and we wipe the tears and do what we need to do.  Shayna would want it that way.

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