I try to find some inspiration to write here every day. Most days I do. For some reason, unknown to me, the day after Shayna passed I thought I needed to start writing this down. I journaled when the girls were little. Of course at first it was only Kayla. I wanted her to have that record one day. I used to blog on Christian Universalism. That blog was about apologetics. But, why am I writing this?
I don’t have an answer to that question. I thought maybe it would keep me from going insane. I guess I thought maybe if I actually survived, it would be beneficial to be able to look back and see the progress I had made. It’s nearly impossible to see our own progress on a day to day basis. Life must be lived forward, but life is understood backward. It’s only when we look back over the journey that it makes sense. I thought maybe someday it might have some value to Kayla. I didn’t expect anyone else to read it, but the idea of tumblr came to me and I went with it.
Now seven months on, I continue. I’ve been surprised at the friends who have stuck with reading my morbid (literally) ramblings day after day. Who wants to think about death every day? Well, I think about it every hour. But it’s not just friends reading. At least a few people I don’t even know have started reading. Some have lost loved ones and had difficulty expressing their grief. People going through this often think they are crazy or at least their thoughts are crazy. I’ve been as brutally honest as I can, at the risk of some of my family member thinking I am suicidal. One of the reasons for that is I want to assure you you’re not crazy. Grief is a totally unique thing to go through and we are each unique. No two experiences are the same. I’ve been depressed. Depression is usually over something temporary. We know if we just hang in there things will change. Grief is not depression. I’ve been anxious, treated for panic attacks. Usually panic attacks are about things that subconsciously know won’t happen or are very unlikely to happen. They’re our brain run amok. Grief is not like anxiety. Grief is over the loss, the permanent physical loss of the only thing in this world that really matters- our loved ones. This is a whole new level of suffering.
A couple of weeks ago a woman came up to Ty and me at a party. She and Ty played the “Where do I know you from?” game and finally settled on a homeschooling cooperative with the girls. Then, she turned to me and said that our mutual friend had liked some posts on my tumblr and that she had started reading. She said she felt like she already knew me. But, most importantly, she said that reading this was helping her.
Wow. It just came to me. How could I have forgotten? The reason I started this. It was because Shayna was such a force in this world, such a Beautiful Light, I just could not let that light be extinguished. Shayna inspired and helped people. Shayna was a better writer than I am. I get sick every time think about her being taken from what she was going to do here. I write this for Shayna, that she may continue to reach others through me. Most of my ideas for the blog come in the middle of the night, those early morning hours when I’m making the return trip back from the astral planes to this world of pain and suffering. That is the time my thinking mind is quiet enough for ideas to be planted in it. They don’t come from me. I can assure you of that. I hardly write anything that doesn’t come to me at those times. I believe at least some of them if not all of them are coming from Shayna. Thank you Sweet Pea.