Some days are still better than others. I hate using that word “better” now. Maybe not better or worse, just different. Some days I’m more accepting of where I am of not seeing Shayna today. Some days I miss her so much I can barely stand it. Today is one of those days. As I’m sitting at my desk moving from task to task, I decide to listen to some Michael Jackson. Everyone knows what a great singer and dancer he was. I don’t think enough people appreciate his songwriting talent. I’m listening to History, one of his later albums and “You Are Not Alone” comes on. Then, here comes the tears out of nowhere. The bittersweet feeling of Shayna being ripped from me, gone without as much as a goodbye, but the belief that she is still here with me somehow, someway. I sit at my desk and let the tears flow. I turn up the volume so I can feel the vibrations going through my body. It helps, somehow. I let the tears flow, waves of grief flow through my body as I try to rest in the belief I am not as alone as I feel. Ty’s working in the basement. I wonder if she’ll hear my sobs, but the music drowns them out and carries them to heaven.
As we are getting ready for bed, Ty tells me today has been a day full of griefbursts for her, too. Some days are like that. I don’t try to figure out why anymore. I just take each one as it comes and say a prayer of gratitude when it’s over. Tomorrow is Friday. It marks the end of the work week. Another milestone in my rear view mirror. Another few steps down the road.