Day 217- Darkness

“I wish I never woke up this morning. Life was easy when it was boring.”- The Police- Darkness

Sting is rattling around in my head as I make the climb back into consciousness back from the sweet darkness of sleep. The moon has become my friend, the sun my enemy. Funny how things turn. I used to greet the morning with “Bring it”. Now, it’s “Fuck it.” I would wake up and think “What are we going to do today?” like Phineas and Ferb. Now it’s “What do I have to do today?”

The moon is my friend now, the sun my enemy. When the sun goes down I can have a couple of drinks, turn on the tube and zone out for while. Then, I can turn in, pull the covers up, enter that warm dark space and just let it all go. I love the feeling as I turn this world off little by little. First the vision, then the hearing. Finally, and bringing the most relief, I can turn off the mind. I enter that place beyond thoughts that place where the cares of this world can’t reach me anymore. But I know it’s only temporary. Just a few short hours and the sun will be back to call me back into this so-called life. I cherish those hours.

The sun is up. It’s pulled me back again. I don’t want to get up. I can’t stay in bed. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t even said a word, but Ty can tell something’s wrong just by the way I’m breathing. So I get up to keep from disturbing her more.

One day I’ll crawl into my grave, pull the dirt over me like a warm blanket and go to that final sleep, but this won’t be a descent into darkness, this will be an escape into Light. This won’t be temporary. I will leave all the cares of this place behind. No more waking up to the nightmare.

That day won’t be today though, at least as far as I know. I have things to do. I have people here to care for. Gotta get through these hours until I can descend back into that darkness.