Day 228- Drugs- Whatever Gets You Through the Night- Part 4

Proverbs 31: 6 Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. 7 Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.

This one is going to be controversial. So be it. Again, these posts are not my recommendation for what anyone else should do. These are what is working for me. I am a whatever works person. If it works for you, I say go for it. A couple of days after Shayna passed I called my doctor. I was not sleeping well, if at all. I was in a daze, a fog. There was a buzzing in my head. I could not think straight. I knew something had to change. I had a lot of decisions to make and I had to deal with a lot of people. My doctor immediately wanted to put me on Zoloft. I didn’t want that. First of all Zoloft takes weeks to kick in and I didn’t have weeks. Second, I’ve been on that type of drug before and I didn’t like the way it made me feel. I felt zombied out. I was no longer stressed or depressed, but I felt slightly drunk all of the time. It took too much of the edge off twenty four hours a day. I want to be able to feel what I need to feel.

I told her I wanted Ativan. I had been on it before and it’s the only thing that has ever actually controlled my blood pressure and made me feel better. It is also highly addictive, so they don’t like to give it out. I got a prescription for about 30 days worth. I took it a couple of night for sleep. I took it before Shayna’s celebration of life. I think I have taken one or two since. The last time was about five months ago.

I have been using alcohol to help. People will tell you you that you should not self medicare with alcohol. I don’t understand that. God gave us alcohol for a reason. It’s called spirits for a reason. People get hooked on prescription drugs every single day. Alcohol certainly can be abused, but it has its place. I find a couple of drinks after work help me to unwind. Too much alcohol disrupts my sleep pattern, but just the right amount helps me to get to sleep. When I don’t have a drink at all, I sometimes have trouble falling asleep. A little alcohol dulls my brain enough to slow the thoughts down enough to allow sleep to find me. I don’t need any other sleep aids. I can control when the alcohol kicks in. It’s not 24×7 like Zoloft. I can be sharp during the day when I need to be creative and full of energy. During that time my brain is occupied enough that I can’t dwell on the depression. At night, when things slow down and my mind can go where it wants, the alcohol helps slow it down.

The downside to resuming drinking again is alcohol has a lot of calories. I’ve gained about 13 pounds from my low weight I hit last year. That’s still almost 30 pounds down from my peak weight. I had lost forty plus pounds. I workout at least once a day, often twice. Walking 4.5 miles a day in the hills of West Chester keeps the weight managed.

So, that is what works for me, so far. Things will most certainly change at some point and when they do, I will adjust accordingly.