Earth is a funny place. So full of beauty that we all want to hold onto, so full of pain that we’d rather avoid or let go. There seems to be this natural tendency to cling to things even though we know subconsciously, if not consciously, that holding on to things is just going to cause pain somewhere down the line because we can never truly hold on to anything. There have been those times in my life when I would just go on a mad cleaning spree. Just time to let this go, let that go, move on. Stop living in the past. Shayna’s passing triggered that for me, big time.
Letting go of Shayna isn’t an option. That won’t happen, but letting go of her physically being here is necessary. For some reason, letting go of other physical things seems to help. I’ve gone through my closet. I’m much more ruthless at looking at something and thinking “I haven’t used that, I’m not going to use that. Time to go.” Luckily after she passed it was summer and we had some stuff that was way overgrown in the yard. I got out my rip saw and spent a couple of days hacking and chopping everything in site. It felt good to just let it go, to destroy it, to tear it down. I don’t know why. It just did. So I went with it. I still get the urge to tear something up once in a while and I do it.
I re-examined a couple of relationships. People who were good friends 20 or 30 years ago were no longer serving a purpose in my life. We’d touch base every once in a while, say the obligatory “We have to get together soon.” and then go back to our routines. Why play that game? People come and go in our lives. Some friendships are only for a season.. There’s no need to keep trying to extend them beyond their natural life. i pulled the plug on a few of them. It feels good to have that closure.
For now I have to hold onto this earthly existence. But, as I’m letting things go, I’m aware that one day I will let this go, too and I’m ready.
I knew when I married Ty that one day we would have to part (unless we’re killed together in an accident). The plan was always me first. I’m older. I’m the man. She has longevity in her family. I knew that one day the girls and I would have to part. I’m WAY older than they are. I had no inkling, no clue, no hint that I would have to survive them. They were supposed to have to let me go. When you think about it, and we don’t like to think about it, every relationship in your life will end one day in pain for someone. Yet, we take that risk. It’s worth it. And, if we’re smart, we cherish those times together because one day we will have to let go even if it’s a temporary letting go until we can shed this flesh and join them again.