Day 237- Muted

The word for today is “muted”. Spring has sprung. Each morning when I wake up I hear the birds singing again, a sound I love. The days are longer, warmer. Every day I look out into the backyard I see another daffodil or two. There has been a group of cardinals in our backyard every morning for the last four days. I get such pleasure out of just watching birds. Kayla has been home on Spring Break for a week. Two nights ago I saw one of the best concerts I’ve seen from perfect seats with Ty and Kayla. Things with Treasured Locks are exciting again as I have several projects on my plate, things that could fundamentally transform the business. I feel like we’re making some break throughs. There are times when I can almost forget the pain that I am in…. almost.

People try to convince me that the joie de vivre will return, that one day I will feel happiness again. Maybe. But, for now there is this underlying tone of sadness in everything. I always look forward to Spring. It’s cliche, but it’s true for me. Spring is life. Winter is death. I love the Spring. Winter is almost worth it because it brings even more joy to Spring when the grass starts to grow again, when the birds return, when I can put away the heavy clothes and jackets. I truly thought this Spring would never come. I don’t know what I thought would happen. Perpetual Winter like in Narnia maybe. But, here it is- Spring. And it’s trying to make me joyful. The joy however is muted. It’s there, but it’s not the same as the joy of last Spring. I see the birds and the flowers and the buds on the trees and I think of Shayna. At the concert, even during the times when I could feel the music lifting me up towards heaven, I kept thinking “But not close enough, not close enough to touch Shayna. I wish she could be here.” Shayna is always on my mind. If not in the front of my mind, right there behind every thought. The thought of Shayna doesn’t bring me pain, but the thought of her absence is agonizing.

Yeah, muted describes it perfectly. Not completely sad. Not completely miserable. There is some joy. There even is some looking forward now, more than a couple of months ago. But, the colors have been turned down a few shades with a little gray laid overtop of everything.