The weekend is over. The family has gone home after the Shamrock Shuffle that we ran in Shayna’s memory. As always I have been reading about life after death. Yesterday I read there is no money in the afterlife (at least in certain realms). People work for the love of the work and to serve others. If you love building houses, you build houses for others at no charge. If you love writing or singing, you do it and give your work away. If you want a cup of tea, you can simply materialize it with your thoughts. With no time constraints, you can do what you like as long as you like not having to worry about needing to do something else to “make a living”. It all sounds too fantastic to believe.
Right after reading this passage in the book I’m reading, I hopped onto Facebook and a friend had sent me a link to the Free World Charter (freeworldcharter.org), a site run by people who envision the world similarly to the way I do. There is plenty of everything in the world. No one needs die for lack of food or water or healthcare The problems we have in the world almost all come down to lack of money, rather the extreme uneven distribution of money.
Today I rise and I’m feeling soul tired again. Not physically tired. I got plenty of sleep. Just that tired I have when I don’t want to face the world right now. As I’m procrastinating about starting my day, deciding if I’m going to work out or not, I get on Facebook and I see an NDE video where a guy talks about how after he returned he had a very difficult time seeing the world as significant. He was angry they brought him back. I get this. I haven’t left and I’m feeling similar feelings. I am so over this. OK. I’ve been here. Done this. Time to move on.
Then, as I return to my newsfeed, Facebook has brought up a memory for me to look at. Since Shayna passed, the memories as I’m scrolling through my newsfeed are a mixed bag. Depending on my mood at the time I might want to see a memory of Shayna. Sometimes it’s comforting. Other times, seeing her face makes me immediately burst into tears. Today it’s the latter. I’m missing her terribly this morning already. It’s a memory from one of our trips to Taco Bell. I don’t eat Taco Bell often. Kayla and Tywana refuse to eat it, so it was Shayna and my special place. We would go when Ty and Kayla weren’t around. She loved the Dorito flavored taco shells. I took this picture the first time she had one. Whenever i see a Taco Bell, I think of Shayna. Ironically, after the race on Saturday we went to find food, maybe a breakfast sandwich. The only things we found was Taco Bell tacos. So, I had one and thought of Shayna. This Facebook memory is from three years ago and ALL I want to do is go back to that day, to feel the pure joy I felt when I was watching Shayna experience the joy of just being.
Today is not going to be an easy day. I don’t know why grief comes in waves. Some days it’s downright tolerable. It’s never gone, but it’s like the dull headache in the background that you only feel when you sit still or think about it. Other days it’s a blinding migraine preventing you from getting anything at all done.
Writing helps. Working through this helps. And remembering this isn’t forever. I’ve made it through 9 months. God only knows how many more there are to go, but whatever the number is it’s 9 months less than I had when I started.