After my buddy Kevin left, Ty and I had to decide what to do with our day. We got some yard work done. We both find that physical activity is beneficial. It was hot and humid, but even after doing yard work, I felt like I needed to do something more. So, I mowed the lawn. The sun beat down on me, the sweat poured from my body, but it was all good. As always I thought of Shayna the whole time, but it was not bad.
I had been feeling very weepy all day. I cried when Kevin left. I was not looking forward to the day at all. It was a bright beautiful day, unusual for us lately and I found myself thinking “How dare you be all bright and beautiful when my heart is broken.” I actually wished for clouds and rain to match my mood. I got into the shower. I broke down in the shower. Here come the tears. Here comes the moaning. Here comes the sobbing. The shower is a great place to cry, just in case you don’t know that. The sound of the water covers the noise if you don’t want people to know and your tears just mingle with the water going down the drain. You can double over and sob. I do it regularly.
Ty and I are powering through books right now. She’s reading mostly about how to grieve. I’m reading about NDEs, past life regressions, that stuff that I’ve always been interested in but which has taken on a new meaning for me now. However, I find there are times I just want to zone out to some mind-numbing television.
I do so for a while until a friend sends me a link to a video about Dr. Mary Neal’s afterlife/NDE experience. This is one of my gifts for the day. A gift can be something a friend says. It can be a link or a meme. It can be a song. It can be an insight. It can be a new take on a Bible verse. In this case, I’ve watched many of these Near Death Experience accounts, read many books, probably know about over 100 accounts, but I’m always interested in learning more. Most NDE’s share some common elements, but they also seem to be tailored to the person and her culture. I will write about Dr. Neal’s NDE in more detail later. Here I’d like to say this is another example of how my blogging about this experience is helping me. People are sending me all kinds of gifts. Deb seemed to be hesitant about sending this because she mentioned there might be “triggers” in it. Of course there are. Everything is a trigger. Please do not hold something back because it might trigger me. I seem to be getting at least one gift a day, usually two or three, sometimes several. Having Kevin here yesterday was huge, but this experience Deb shared with me was way up there. Dr. Neal’s experience had one thing in it that others I have read did not and that one thing spoke volumes to me. I spent probably an hour and a half reading about her experience and watching various interviews with her. Thank you Deb!
Ty and I were invited to dinner with some very good, long time friends. They have two girls almost exactly the same ages of Kayla and Shayna. Their youngest girl is one of Shayna’s best friends. We went, had a great time. We drank wine, ate lobster tails and shared stories. Towards the end of the night, their youngest daughter came back from babysitting. She is just about Shayna’s age, has geckos like Shayna did and is one of Shayna’s best friend. So seeing her I guess could bring pain to some people in our situation, but it was all good. A few minutes later her older sister came in. Seeing the two of them together reminded me of Kayla and Shayna and there was a pang of longing there knowing I would not see Kayla and Shayna interacting like that again, but I am happy for my friends’ daughters and my friends with their in tact family and I hope they have many more years together. Our family has a different path, but we will be OK.
