Today I’m on the telephone with the administrator of one of the grief groups we have attended. It’s a group for parents whose children have transitioned. Ty and I visited their chapter in Columbus last week and I’m disappointed to find out the chapter is dissolving leaving us with none within driving distance because it’s the only organization I know of for parents whose children have transitioned and who want to continue that bond rather than get over it. As we are talking, she says something to me that causes me to realize why it’s such hard work to reprogram the way I look at life. She hasn’t suffered the passing of a child herself, but she’s telling me about her mother who transitioned recently at the age of 79. And she says something to the effect of “… she lived to 79 and to me that’s a good long life.” We associate a long life with a good life. The longer we live the better. We marvel at someone who lives into that 8th or 9th decade. We long for it. The longer the life the better.
By contrast, a short life is not a good life, or not as good. Of course no one says that, but it’s implied. And this is difficult for me because there is nothing I can do to change Shayna’s longevity. Nothing. People say “with God all things are possible.” I always want to grab them by the collar and say “No. It’s impossible to change the past.”. Believe me I ponder this. I keep reading about the law of attraction, the power of our minds, how what we see is what we create with our brains, time is only an illusion. So, did I create Shayna’s death? Did I attract it to me? I sure as hell can’t change it now. This is all nonsense to me.
Here is the paradigm I’m trying to break. We think that the goal of being here is to stay as long as we can. We cling to this life like it’s all there is. I have a friend whose mother is transitioning. She’s in her 80s. She is not going to get better. But, they’re putting in a feeding tube, they’re doing the ventilator, the whole thing. Anything to get a few more days, a few more hours even. According to one study 30% of Medicare costs go to 5% of the patients who die each year with one-third of that being spent in the last month of their lives. And it’s not just the financial burden. People in those last weeks or months or sometimes even years have no quality of life They’re bedridden, unable to speak, to eat or do anything. But, they’re alive.
A long life isn’t necessarily a good life. You might have a long life because you need to be here longer to accomplish what you came to do. A long life means more time away from Home. Death is not a failure. Death will come to 100% of us. So, unless 100% of us fail, it’s time to stop looking at it as such. Some of us come for a longer time. Some of us for a shorter time. This place is work. Hard work. I was constantly on Shayna about how she didn’t seem to fully incarnate here and accept the hard work of being incarnate. Shayna didn’t like having to take care of her body. Little did I know at the time. Shayna came, did her job and graduated early moving on to bigger and better things. Shayna had a good life here and Shayna continues to have a good life, a better life than you and I are having at the moment.