This morning I wake up alone in the bed, alone in the house. Tywana has gone to Lexington to Keeneland to help a friend celebrate her birthday. Yesterday I just hung out and watched movies. Today is the 10 month anniversary of Shayna’s passing.
Tywana have not spoken about this. I know that Wednesday were hard for her for a while since it was a Wednesday morning that we found Shayna in her bed, not breathing. It’s still surreal to say that. I still wake up every single morning with her the first thing on my mind and for a split second hope it’s all been a dream.
10 months. In some ways, a very long time. I never would have guessed I’d make it 10 months. I felt like I would die when Shayna transitioned. I know I wanted to die. A mother would lay down her life for her child. A father would fight to the death for his. I had no chance to fight, nothing to fight. I was handed the unacceptable and told to accept it. There’s nothing to do with this anger, nothing to do with this fight in me. I would often fantasize about what I would be willing to do to protect the girls. Death was a phantom with no form for me to fight. It came like a thief in the night.
On the other hand, 10 months is nothing. I’ve met people whose children graduated decades before. They seem normal, at least some of them. They seem “well adjusted”. They look at me and tell me 10 months is still “fresh”. Well, that’s true. While it seems like an eternity in some ways, it’s still raw. I don’t cry every single day anymore, but I cry many- maybe most. I can sometimes think of Shayna without being crushed, but other times when I think of her the missing her is palpable.
10 months. It’s another milestone along the road back home. My life is forever divided into before Shayna’s passing and after Shayna’s passing. Running this second part of the race is tough though. It’s like running a race that you don’t know if it’s a marathon or a sprint. How do you pace yourself for that? Will it be 10 more months? 10 years? 10 minutes? I have no clue. Today, like the alcoholic who gets pins for days, weeks, years sober, I get my 10 month pin and ask for strength for just one more day.