55 years old. Wow. There was a time when that would have sounded ancient to me. 40 is a distant memory now. That was the most difficult birthday, when I officially realized I was “old”. I went through major changes at 40. 50 wasn’t tough at all. I just wanted to be around long enough to see the girls grow up- at least see them graduate college. Now, it’s not about longevity. I’m well past the halfway point. I just want to finish strong.
I don’t want to get old. Maybe it’s selfish. Maybe it’s vain. And I’m always on Kayla about reveling in her youth because youth doesn’t last. At 55 I’m still in good health. I walk five miles a day. Anything I could ever do I can still do. I enjoy that. Hanging around for the sake of hanging around does not appeal to me. This life can be good, but this life is hard. I know that what awaits me is better. As I celebrate the milestones, and this is a pretty big one, I celebrate being closer to have accomplished what I came here to accomplish. So many of us get stuck here, get attached and we want to just keep on running the race and hope to never cross the finish line. Not me. My eyes are set on the prize.
Today we are meeting with Reverend Kathy from the Unity church we attend. We are hoping to use the church for our Helping Parents Heal meetings. Then I have a demo of a software we are considering for the business. The local comedy club had free tickets available for tonight. So, Tywana and I will celebrate my birthday there. Kayla has training for her new job.
At 55 I am now 40 years older than Shayna was when she passed. This is something I never imagined and wouldn’t wish on anyone. Even though I know Shayna is better off than I am, there is a part of me that wishes she were here with Tywana and Kayla instead of me. I’d do anything to give that to them, but I guess that’s not the way it was supposed to be this time around. Every birthday from here on in will be bittersweet as it marks another year removed from the last time I saw Shayna, but it’s another year closer to seeing her again.
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