Day 34- Confusion

The last two days have been days of fear, anger, depression, grief, terror, you name it- all the bad emotions rolled into one. I understand all of these emotions. They’re like old friends coming and going. They come in visit for a while and then pass to make room for the next one.  Today I wake up and I’m not crying. What is this?  I actually make it out of bed without shedding a tear. It’s Monday.  I’m off to a slow start. I blog about my day and then do that thing you do when you don’t want to actually work- start checking Facebook. I get some work done, but I’ve been putting off my walk. I’m kind of numb.  Not super energetic, but just kind of working my way through the day. 

My friend Kofi stops by.  Kofi is my Jehovah’s Witness friend who stops by every few weeks for theological discussions. I guess he thinks he’s recruiting me, but I may be having more influence on him. I’m just not up to talking today though. Nothing is getting done and I can’t take the time out to talk to him. I tell him that I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t have time today.  He says “OK, but quickly, I’ve noticed these purple ribbons in the neighborhood and I see this wreath on your door. What happened?”  I tell him that my daughter has passed. I can barely get the words out when the tears quickly follow. Ah, there it is.  I was wondering where the grief had gone.  Kofi doubles over at the waist at the news. He’s speechless. I try to tell him what happened, but my voice is gone. I finally get it out.  We embrace and he says he is so sorry and will come back another day.  Well, I made it till about 10:30 without crying.

It’s noon. It’s hot. It’s muggy, but the walk has to be done. I credit the walks with keeping me sane.  I get the walk in.  I come back and do some more work, get some orders out.  I even listen to some music while I’m working. This is the first time in a month I’ve listened to more than one song at a time. It’s Evanescence. It’s reaching a place in me that hasn’t been reached in a long time. I can feel it in my soul. The longing, the pain, the yearning expressed through Amy Lee’s amazing voice and their angry guitars.  It’s perfect.  Ironically, all the pain in their music is making me feel better.

Kayla has the day off today. She and Ty go out to do some shopping. I’m home alone.  Yesterday being home alone was miserable, but today I’m OK. This feels strange. I do some meditation.  I get through the meditation OK.  

After our old friend brings dinner over, Ty and Kayla decide we’re going out for dessert. Ty promised to have cake on her birthday in honor of Shayna and didn’t do it. We know Shayna would not be pleased.  Normally, the three of them would go out for dessert and I would stay at home, but Kayla wants me to go with them so I go along. We go to Applebee’s. That holds special memories for us because it was Kayla’s favorite restaurant for a very long time. We’d always go on her birthday and every single year she was surprised when they sang to her.  

It’s a good day and a good night.  Today I wake up feeling pretty good, too.  That’s two days in a row.  I’m confused by this.  I understand anger and frustration and grief and depression and all that.  This feeling of nothing is a new one. I don’t feel great, but I’m not feeling bad.  I didn’t cry yesterday morning. I’m not crying this morning.  I think maybe I’m forgetting about Shayna. The longing for her is fading. Do I want that? I know I don’t want to forget her. I am confused.  People tell me it will get better with time. Do I want it to get “better”?  I don’t know.  I’m confused. So, here come the tears again. Today I cry tears of confusion.  Some day I will feel better, I guess, but I’m not sure I really want to feel better right now.  

I listen to a podcast on my walk.  It’s one about grief and life after death, my usual fare. The first thing I hear is that when we are in deep grief, it’s difficult for our loved ones to send us signs because they can’t get through to us. The grief puts us at a very low vibrational energy level (even lower than normal for Earth) and Spirit operates at a high vibrational energy level. So, if you want to hear from them, you have to raise your energy level. OK, Brian.  You’re going to have to pick yourself up.  

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