Day 354- This Body Of Death

Yesterday Tywana told me that she was concerned about the amount of alcohol I am drinking. She’s worried about my liver. She’s also concerned about me smoking cigars. She’s worried about my lungs. She’s also concerned about my colon. I haven’t had a colonoscopy and I’m 55. She’s concerned about my prostate. Prostate cancer runs in the family. And, did I mention I’m 55?

I’m not particularly concerned about any of these things.  I know I’m supposed to want to live a long life.  I just don’t.  I have a love/hate relationship with my body right now. It’s a necessary evil, a vehicle I must use to travel though this world and to interact with the people here who I love and who love me.  But, it’s also a prison keeping me from my true home. The longer it goes on, the longer I have to stay away from home.  I’d like to keep it as healthy as possible as long as it’s functioning, but I have no particular attachment to i.

I wasn’t particularly interested in long term survival before Shayna passed.  I wanted to be here long enough for the girls, but living a long time just for the sake of living a long time has never appealed to me. Since Shayna has passed, the prospect of a long life sounds like a long prison sentence. I really don’t want to think about it, so I don’t.  I live for today. I live for Tywana and for Kayla. I take care of myself so that I don’t have to suffer while I’m here and so that I can be here for them. But, I do not want to grow old. 

The Buddhists say it’s a rare and precious gift to be born human. Some say there are souls lined up to come to Earth to have this experience. Well, maybe that’s true, but I’ve had enough.  If I could I’d trade my remaining time in and give it to Shayna.  But, given where she is now, I guess she wouldn’t want it.  LOL.  

Tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone. And everyone, regardless of how many trips one makes to the doctor, regardless of diet, regardless of any precautions taken, everyone dies. While I’m not particularly looking forward to the process of dying, that still scares me, I no longer think death is the worst thing that can happen to someone. I suppose I should take better care of this body for their sake.