Day 36- Can We Do This?

It’s been over a month since Shayna has passed now. Missing her is not as intense all the time, but when the missing comes OH HOW IT COMES.  Intense out of the blue “griefbursts” as my friend Annie calls them.  Anything can trigger them and when they hit, you feel you just can’t go on.  Fortunately, Ty and I don’t seem to have them at the same time, but this afternoon we have simultaneous griefbursts. I have been working all day and was pretty fried around 3 o’clock. It is a dreary day and we haven’t even bothered to raise the shades.  I’m sitting on the couch and she comes into the room and lies on the opposite end.  I just start sobbing.  She starts crying. She looks at me and asks “How are we going to do this?”  I just look at her and shake my head. I really have no idea in this moment. This is what I’ve been asking her. Can we do this? Do we want to do this?  Going on without Shayna seems to be an impossible task.  

People keep saying to me “I can’t imagine going through what you’re going through.” Well, you’re absolutely right. I thought I could imagine it. I was wrong. But, then they follow up with “I couldn’t do what you’re doing.  I’d just die.” or something to that effect.  I know you’re trying to convey empathy with what we’re experiencing and I truly appreciate it, but I still don’t know if I can do this either. It’s literally one day at a time right now. Thinking too far ahead the task does seem impossible.  I’d prefer to hear “You can do this.” Even if you think you can’t, even if you think I can’t, please tell me I can do this. 

I get my workout in.  I do my meditation. Two days in a row. I found a meditation app that journals my sessions. I’m a goal oriented guy.  Knowing that there is a log should keep me motivated. Two days in a row now.  Meditation helps. I listen to a couple of Podcasts that raise my spirits.  

We all go out to Cheesecake Factory for what we discover is “National Cheesecake Day” (after we get there and have to wait 50 minutes for a table on a Wednesday).  We talk about Shayna and what a joy she was in our life and her last time at the Cheesecake Factory.  I’m missing her terribly. I’m sure Ty and Kayla are feeling the same way.  It’s bittersweet. Great making new memories with Ty and Kayla.  Crushing not having our little one there with us.

We return home and Kayla and I have decided to rewatch “What Dreams May Come”.  We’ve seen it not that long ago, but it has new meaning for us now. I know there are going to be some tears, but tears aren’t a bad thing. They have to come.  I’ve had two or three massive crying sessions today, but one more before bed won’t hurt.  I hold up pretty well until the scene where Robin Williams meets his daughter in heaven. He’s been talking to her for quite a while in the world of her creation when it suddenly dawns on him she has taken on a new appearance for him so he didn’t recognize her right away.  Suddenly he sees her as she was when she died (as a child) and they embrace.  Oh!  How I cannot wait for that moment.  The tears flow.

We all get a little teary at various points in the movie, but at the end the floodgates open.  We embrace.  Big family huddle cry.  But, this is good.  We have to do this. If we are going to get through this, we have to do it together. This hurts so much because we were so, so close.  We still are close, we just can’t hold Shayna anymore.  

One more day down.  One more day closer to reunion.  They are piling up fast and that is a good thing.