Day 366- Still Here…

Yesterday was Shayna’s “Angel-versary.”  My friend Michelle told me it would be the hardest thing I would ever do.  I didn’t know what she was talking about. Now I do.

I tried to keep the day as routine as possible.  I started with my walk. I intended to work a regular schedule.  Tywana had to go over to her mother’s to help her with laundry and things around her apartment. She also had a reiki/acupressure session that she purposely scheduled for the day of Shayna’s passing in tribute to Shayna and to have something to do on that day.  Kayla had a rough day and spent most of it in her room.  The result is I was able to spend a lot of time alone, which is good because I wasn’t pleasant to be around.

Many friends called, texted, sent cards, sent flowers, and sent gifts.  It was like reliving the first week all over again.  Our friend Joan, whose daughter Victoria transitioned six months after Shayna, stopped by and brought a card and a lantern we launched last night in memory of Shayna. People wore clothes for Shayna.  A group of five of Shayna’s friends stopped by and brought flowers. They sat for a long time and reminisced about Shayna with us. A couple of them wore their “Queen Shay” t-shirts that someone had made.  Several of them wore their “Play for Shay” bracelets.  The shirts reminded me that Susanne Wilson told me during my medium reading that Shayna says we are royalty.  Shayna made wonderful friends while she was here; they still miss her and are inspired by her.

So, with all of that support, it should have been a good day. It was not.  It felt like starting all over again with the grief only this time worse because last year it was totally uncharted waters.  Now I know exactly what I am facing, and it sucks.  I cried more yesterday than I have in many months.  I screamed.  I threw things.  I’ve accepted Shayna’s passing, but I will never get used to it, and I will never like it.  Never meaning as long as I’m in the flesh and the veil is between us.  I so look forward to the day when this all makes sense and is over.

We decided to have pizza for dinner. I’m not sure if it’s because we’re so often too lazy to cook or if it was in honor of Shayna.  Let’s go with in honor of Shayna.  By 8 o’clock, I was exhausted.  I was ready for bed.  I just wanted the day over with.  But, I had Tywana and Kayla to think about.  We had the lantern to light, and Kayla wanted to watch family movies of the girls. So, we chose the video that spans from the Christmas before Shayna’s January birth until the time when Shayna was about eight months old.  Of course, in the early part of the video, it’s just the three of us, Kayla, Tywana, and I.  It’s come back around to that, but the three-year-old is now 19. Then there is me filming Tywana on the day Shayna was born. Shayna clearly did not want to be here.  We entered the hospital to have labor induced, arriving at 8 AM.  It’s a long, long story, and 16-½ years later, I still remember most of the details. Shayna was supposed to be delivered by noon. It was close to 11 PM before that girl finally made her arrival. And she only came after a very good scare.  Her heart rate fluctuated wildly, going way too low and way too fast, alternately.  We thought we were out of the woods when she was born. We had no idea this would foreshadow her passing 15-½ years in the future from a heart defect she carried with her from that moment.  No wonder she didn’t want to come.  One of the nurses even remarked that it was clear Shayna liked it better where she was. She was talking about the womb. I think Shayna just liked it better in Heaven.

I cried watching the moment of her birth, knowing that precious little girl that I adored would only be with us for 15-½ years.  I nearly had to leave the room, but I stayed, and we watched as Shayna learned to crawl, learned to walk, and bonded with Kayla- a bond that would never be broken, and I believe they had before they came to join our family here on Earth.

This morning I’m up early.  Nothing new. What is new is that Tywana had a dream visit with Shayna last night, her first.  She has hoped and prayed for a visit from Shayna for nearly a year.  Whether to attribute it to the reiki or something else, who knows?  In her dream, Tywana looked out the window and saw a little girl swinging. The little girl was Shayna.  As they looked at each other, their eyes locked, Tywana left the house, and Shayna came running up to her and put her arms around her. They embraced for a long time. Tywana, being Tywana, started interrogating her.  “Are you happy? Do you live by yourself?  What do you do all day?”  Tywana told her how much she misses her. Shayna said she was very happy, and her eyes danced up and down as she said it. She said she lives with a family.  Based on the medium readings I’ve had, I’m pretty sure she’s met Tywana’s still-born brother Jeffery.  Shayna said she does something with the “mommys” who come there, but Tywana’s memory of that is fuzzy.  In response to Tywana’s saying she misses her, Shayna said in her Shayna way of being somewhat compassionate but somewhat scolding, “I know Mommy, but you’ll be all right.”  We will, Shayna.  We have no choice.  But we miss you terribly.