Day 369- I Am No Longer A Swinger

It’s the end of June. For Chrisrmas my brother gave me, as part of my present, a round of golf this Spring. I used to really be into golf. I would watch it on TV. I was constantly buying new clothing, clubs and other equipment. Before Kayla was born I was actually fairly good shooting in the low 80s on occasion.

I played one round last year and I think one or two rounds the previous year. My clubs used to stay in the trunk of my car. Now they sit in the garage. I’m just not into it anymore. Things change, even my passion for golf. My dreams of playing on the Senior Tour ended long ago.

It’s a good day for golf. It’s pretty hot, but bearable. I take the first tee shot wondering if my club will even come in contact with the ball. It’s not too bad. As the day goes on I remember what I liked about playing. But, by the time we reach number 15, I’m ready to head to the clubhouse. It’s never been like that before. I’d play 18 and be ready for 9 more.

Nothing is the same since Shayna passed. Nothing tastes as good. Nothing is as enjoyable. Sure there are times on the course where I actually forget what has happened in my life and I feel good about just being where I am and enjoying that next shot. But then I flash back to when I would be on this course I have played so many times before and I’d think about getting home to Tywana and the girls and remember that Shayna is not home waiting for me and reality would come crashing in to crush the moment.

It’s all a facade now. Any sense of normalcy you see from me is either fleeting or just an act to make other people do comfortable. I can’t talk about Shayna or death 24/7 because no one other than me wants to. But, I do. If it’s not front of mind for me, it’s right there just below the surface, lurking waiting for an opportunity to pounce.

As we are finishing up number 17 and I’m pretty much just ready to have this round over with I look to the sky. It’s been a sunny day, mercifully nixed with some clouds, just enough to make the late June Ohio humidity bearable. It hasn’t rained a drop, but as I look up into the clouds right there in the middle of the sky is a segment of a rainbow. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen one like it. It’s just a straight line hanging there in the middle of the sky. Usually they are an arc. I’ve even seen a full circle.

One of the mediums I consulted told me Shayna is proud of the rainbows she sends. The whole time on the course I looked for signs from Shayna and maybe I saw some in the birds and the dragonflies, but this is definitely from her. I point the rainbow out to my brother, but I don’t tell him I think it’s a sign. He already thinks I’m crazy. I know people just want me to get back to normal. The truth is I was never normal though. And whatever I was I will never be again. I am forever and deeply changed, for better or for worse.

Overall, it was fun. I even found myself talking about buying another driver as we reviewed the say sitting on the deck, but the days of my passion for golf are passed. It was fun while it lasted. Life only moves in one direction. There is no going back.

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