How can one person be surprised by the same thing every single day? I will go hours sometimes feeling pretty OK. Sometime even at peace. It’s not only when I’m not thinking about Shayna. I can think of her, have fond memories, look forward to our reunion. I can even be happy thinking of her. And as I assess my emotions I might even be lulled into thinking I’m over the hump. Maybe this grief thing isn’t so bad. Maybe my faith has made it bearable. Then, inevitably it’s back. Ah well.
Today is another up and down day. I guess they will all be like this for a while. After meeting with Nico a few days ago I am more inspired to get my mediation practice back on track. I downloaded an app that will actually journal my meditation days. I love accountability. I can now compete against myself for consistency in my practice. I look up how to set up an altar. I already have some of the elements I want to put on it. A friend has given me some beautiful purple stone prayer beads. Another friend made a box for me with a great poem in it and four heart shaped rocks she combed the beach for- they represent Shayna, Ty, Kayla and me. Nico gave me a very special amethyst crystal that he says Shayna chose from his collection and he charged with energy for me. I want to get some incense though. I look up a place in Cincinnati and find Whatever Works Wellness Center. They sell all kinds of stuff for healing from crystals, to incense, to teas, herbs, etc. etc. Kayla and I head over there and spend 45 minutes talking with the owner and checking out her wares. Whatever Works, perfect name. It caught my eye. That is my philosophy on life. I am trying everything to get through this most difficult period of my life. Prayer, meditation, counseling, spirituality, science, exercise, diet, podcasts. I will do whatever works for me. I know some of the things I am doing will be shocking to some of my relatives. I know some people are concerned about some of the things I have “opened myself up to”. I will not be bound by religion or tradition or culture or anything else. If people think I’ve gone off the deep end, well, they can think what they want. I’m doing what I need to go do keep from going off the deep end.