Today, Tywana and Kayla are heading to Cedar Point to meet my brother and his family for a day at the amusement park. I haven’t been to an amusement park in many years and have no interest in driving 4 hours to spend the day in the hot sun watching kids enjoy the rides I did back in the day. So, I decided to take a day for some solitude. My parents and my Uncle Robert spent the night. They’re in town for the funeral of my cousin’s stepson. They’re leaving early, so I get a day and the night to myself to do what I want to do.
I’ve always enjoyed solitude, so when I get these opportunities, I look forward to them. I see everyone off, and it’s just me in the house with the dogs. OK. So, what am I going to do? Tywana and Kayla are taking a vacation day. Maybe I will too. But, before I do that, some work needs to be done for Treasured Locks. So, I sit in my office for a few hours knocking that stuff out. I’ll start my vacation at lunchtime. I have lunch in front of the TV and decide what I will do with the rest of my day. What I decided on would sound boring to most people. I’m going to binge on Netflix, read the book I’m into right now and watch a movie from my queue that I know Tywana and Kayla would never agree to. So, that’s what I do.
Tywana calls me around 9 to check in and tell me how her day has been. I’ve just started the movie. She and Kayla had a great day at the park with Kayla’s cousins and my brother and his wife. I’m glad for them. She asks me how I’m doing. Something about the day doesn’t feel quite right. Usually, I could deal with several days of solitude in a row, but I’m bored already. I’m tired and thinking about turning in early just to get the day over. The meditation I used to try to reach Shayna in an After Death Communication didn’t work. I’m not really into the shows I’m watching on Netflix. The movie started with such promise but fizzled at the end. It’s called “The Lazarus Effect” It’s about a group of researchers who are trying to come up with a serum to extend life so that people in emergencies have longer to bring people back immediately after death. But, it turns out the serum can bring people back from the dead. Great premise. Right in my wheelhouse. Terrible execution, though. The movie goes off the rails about halfway through, and I’m ready for it to end so I can call it a day.
Since Shayna’s passing, I’ve had this strange relationship with time. I was looking forward to my day of solitude, but it didn’t turn out as I had planned. Every minute that stands between me and reunion with her is my enemy. When I’m alone, my thoughts turn to her constantly. “What would I be doing if she were here?” (She’d be at Cedar Point- an easy answer to that question). Time can’t go fast enough. But, for example, Kayla is home for the summer, and I’ve realized it’s about halfway over. She might not come back here to live after this summer, and that’s got me bummed out. I don’t want the summer to end because it means taking her back to school.
Every day, even this vacation day, is filled with ambivalence, but each one is one step forward. The march of time is inexorable, no matter how we feel about it.
