When I was a kid there Sanford and Son was a show on TV about an old man (played by Redd Foxx) running a junk yard with his son. Fred Sanford’s wife had passed some years earlier and he would always talk to her as he looked up to heaven. One of his standard routines was to fake a heart attack, put his hand over his heart, turn his head to the sky and announce “This is the big one Elizabeth. I’m coming to join ya.”
Tonight as I’m lying in bed I’m awakened by a pain in my chest. It’s pretty bad. I’ve always been paranoid about my heart health as heart disease runs in my family. I’ve had palpitations for many years (and been checked out many times). When I feel this pain in my chest my first thought is maybe this is it. Maybe I’m going Home. My initial reaction isn’t fear (like it used to be when I had panic attacks for years). It isn’t sadness. It’s relief. But, then immediately following that I think of Tywana and Kayla and I realize “No. This isn’t what I want.” I really do want to live right now. I cannot wait for the time to pass until I do get to go Home, but I do want time to pass. I don’t want it to be right now. I start to analyze the pain. Should I wake Tywana up? It’s very far left in my chest. It changes as I change positions. Probably some sort of muscle soreness even though I haven’t done anything I can think of to bring it on. I turn onto my other side. It goes away. I turn back to my original position. It’s back. OK. Just some muscle thing. I get into a position where it doesn’t hurt and I drift back to sleep.
Not the big one today. And I’m good with that. I have more to do here. I want to be here to make more memories with Tywana and Kayla even though I detest making those memories without our little Shayna being here in the body. I have to accept that I have to accept what has happened and deal with what I have here now. Tomorrow will take care of itself and one day the Big One will come and that will be all right too. All will be well and all will happen in the proper time.