It’s a question I ask myself. Is there a bottom to this well of tears? If there is, I haven’t found it yet. Today is the day we head up to the family reunion. Kayla had to work last night, so we missed the opening ceremonies. I rise early so that I can get my five miles in. I am dreading this day. It will be the first time I have been around extended family since Shayna’s life celebration. I have absolutely no idea how this is going to go and not much desire to find out.
I put on some particularly evocative music. My thinking is this. Maybe if I cry enough this morning I can get through my allotment of tears for the day. I finish my five mile walk. It’s about 1000% humidity. My shirt has two dry spots on it, one on either side right at the very bottom. The rest is saturated with tears and sweat. It’s good to get that out.
I shower and get ready to take the dogs to the kennel. As I am driving back home, down the road we took with the ambulance with Shayna on the day she passed, headed the other way towards the hospital is an ambulance, lights on, siren going. I wonder who is in it. I wonder what her fate will be. Then I am immediately taken back, back to that day. I remember being in the police car behind the ambulance, on this very spot of road. Here come the tears again. My life will forever be separated into the years before that time and the years after it. Oh, how I wish I could go back. Or go forward. Anywhere but here.
So, here I sit. I hear Tywana and Kayla stirring upstairs. I’ve done my five miles, had my meditation for peace and to try to raise my consciousness, taken the dogs to the kennel and done my bit on Facebook. We will hit the road soon….