Every morning when I wake up it’s a terrifying realization. “What is happening with her body now?” though I know intellectually she left it long ago.I go over all the things we will never do again. I count all the ways I will miss her.
Today though there is something new. Satan whispers in my ear as I emerge from my fitful sleep. “What did I do wrong?” “How could she die under my roof? I was only a few feet away.” “Should I have taken her to another cardiologist? Should I have pushed hers harder?” “Did I do something wrong with her weekly shot?” “How could I let this happen? I failed to protect her” I’m her Daddy. I’m supposed to be there for her. I let her down and now we’re all suffering because of it.
Recently someone told me that we don’t go to Hell when we die, this is Hell. You were right.
I am in Hell.