Day 41- Signs and More Signs

While I am quite confident that Shayna not only survived her passing, but that she is still with us, I have to admit the signs help.  I have documented several of the things that have been happening since her passing.  Today is no exception as Kayla plays with a butterfly outside for what has to be nearly an hour. The butterfly kept flying away and returning to sit right next to Kayla. She even reached out and petted it a couple of times. She played it one of Shayna’s favorite songs.  

Our grief counselor comes over to talk with us. Sheila has been very helpful, but there are no magic bullets. There is nothing that will bring Shayna back. There is nothing that will take away our pain. There is no recovering from this, merely coping.  We find out we are coping well, quite well I guess. We’re doing all the thing we can be doing. We’re there for each other. We’re there for Kayla. We are giving ourselves time to rest. We are getting out with friends. We are eating. We are sleeping. We are getting by. We come to the realization that at this point anyway, 41 days in- getting by is the goal.  Expecting “good days” right now just isn’t realistic.  Will there be “good days” in the future?  Frankly right now I can’t see them, but maybe there will be.

As we’re talking to the counselor, the day goes from sunny to dark and then a storm blows in.  I’m talking major rain, hail and wind that is blowing stuff over. That’s the way it’s been today.  The day started out with thunderstorms so bad I just knew I wouldn’t be able to walk. Then, it got beautiful while Kayla had her playtime with the butterfly.  Now, a storm has come up out of nowhere. We spend some time marveling at the storm. We conclude our session and Sheila gets ready to leave at which point we see not only a full rainbow outside our front door, there is a double rainbow.  I’m not sure I’ve ever seen one of those.

Ty and I wrap up the night watching TV. We check in with each other. “Did the session with Sheila help?” Yes, we think it did, but we reiterate the conclusion we had come to with Sheila here.  Right now the goal is to just get through the day and we’ve done that. Ty puts her head on my shoulder and we have one more cry before bed.  Then, it’s lights out and that dark angel sweet sleep can’t come soon enough.

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