Day 413- How Long?

It’s a rainy Monday morning. I was supposed to take a walk with a friend, but it looks like we will have to take a rain check. My back was hurting too much to walk yesterday, so it looks like I will miss two days in a row. Bad for my psyche, nut probably good for my body.

We are down to just a few days before Kayla goes back to school. We took her out to dinner last night, wringing every drop of experience with her before we have to move her into her apartment.

A couple of days ago my buddy checked in with me and asked again how I am doing. I’m so tired of having to say not great. At what point will I have “made it”? I was telling him I had been listening to “Just One Victory” by Todd Rundgren. I’ve loved that song since I was a child. It was Day 408. I had had 408 victories in a row. 408 days of pushing through when I would rather not. My friend said I would “make it”. We tell each other “Hang in there. You’ll make it?”. What does that mean? When will I have “made it”?

I am resigning myself to the fact I don’t know what grief holds for me in the future. I was never particularlu thrilled with this world anyway. Tywana and the girls made it worthwhile for me. I know it will never be the same again, but will it ever again be a place I really want to be? I would have said no before. Now I don’t know. I can’t envision it, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t possible.

So, I “hang on”. I fight to “make it”. How long is anybody’s guess. The struggle is real.