Wow. Last night was one of those restless nights where dreams just kept rolling from one to the other, mostly incoherent. I remember meeting Kenny Loggins and singing songs from his This Is It album, and reminiscing with him. I remember bits and pieces of other things. Then, I remember being shown old pictures of Shayna when she was between an infant and a toddler. It was more of the feelings I remember than any actual event or people. I was alone, I don’t even think I was in a body. These images of her just kept going by, and I was loving looking at them until I realized that this wasn’t real and Shayna wasn’t with me anymore. I remember thinking, “This is a dream.” then I woke up, still in my dream, and I was in bed crying- again, all alone. Then I woke up back in this reality, and I was crying in this reality.
Something Bill and I discussed a couple of days ago keeps coming back to me. The reason that it’s so difficult for me to go on is I keep thinking this is permanent. This is my reality forever. I’m caught up in the illusion that this life is real and doesn’t change. It’s easy to do. I wake up in the same house, have the same people around me, and do the same thing. I get caught in the routine and think what is now will always be. I’ve had enough experience to know this isn’t true.
Impermanence, you cut both ways. You take away the good things we want to hold on to. And I have cursed you for that. But, you take away the bad things as well. This won’t last forever. And for that, I am grateful.
Pressing on one more day. One day closer to the reunion.